


Exit

by GwendolynTalbot



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-22
Updated: 2020-10-20
Packaged: 2021-03-06 23:41:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 23,077
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26017462
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GwendolynTalbot/pseuds/GwendolynTalbot
Summary: "It was easy. I bought it on the street." His voice, a desperate shout, echoing through her mind at the moment that everything went black. ...What if it isn't Elliot that needs to come back?
Relationships: Olivia Benson/Elliot Stabler
Comments: 8
Kudos: 3





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted elsewhere and for some reason I had never uploaded the final three chapters. My SVU stories are the first I ever wrote and I'm editing them, years later and hopefully improving (without changing the storylines) and posting the edited versions here. With this story, I will cross post the final three chapters but the content will be identical. Going forward, all my stories will be on A03.
> 
> My original notes:
> 
> I sat down to write a parody one shot - after two paragraphs it became serious and turned into a proper story. I hadn’t planned this, and just kept writing to see where the idea took me. Hopefully the only full on parody connection is something I left in intentionally. First chapter may still have the slight aftertaste of parody lingering around so bear with that, it settles well by chapter 2.  
> It does not start out happy, but I am a believer in happy endings for Olivia and Elliot, so bear with me. This is a different kind of story for me because of the way it evolved. I didn’t intend for this story to happen like this at all….

_Bullets rang out._

_Shouts._

_Bodies hit the ground. Chaos._

_Her eyes locked with his before he raised his gun._

_……………………...“It was easy. I bought it on the street.”_

_His voice, a desperate shout, echoing through her mind at the moment that everything went black._

_Five years later and still the dream haunted her. Still she revisited that scene over and over. The bullets, the voices, the faces of the others fading away in her memory, all except Elliot’s panicked shout as darkness claimed her._

_And then he left. He just...walked away. She never understood why, and try as she might to build up a wall between her feelings and him, it still hurt._

_It had always hurt like hell._

6am. Olivia hated the sound that woke her without fail, every morning. She really didn't understand the need to get up so early and at the same time every day. She struggled with the routine she had to adhere to, and the way she was treated as just a number. They were supposed to have a far more introspective approach to her than they seemed to. They were failing by losing their drive and remembering why they worked there - being too stretched, too jaded, too underpaid. 

Her individuality felt so stripped away, and at times she struggled to visualise her apartment, her possessions...her friends. She knew that something had to give soon - they all needed a break in the case. She was beginning to forget how long she had been under. 

Her memories felt so fragmented at times - she was beginning to think that she had been under for too long, but she ignored the questioning feelings that sat there on the edge of her mind, and she concentrated on the life she knew. The case, her squad, Noah. 

Her boyfriend.

She could keep going. She had never been under for such a long expanse of time, but she could handle it. She could stare at the plain, dull walls, and eat the bland food if she had to. Ultimately she was doing good, she was sure of that. With each passing day she was inching closer to exposing the truth, and ending something that had gone on for far too long.

Every week, the same food, the same sounds, the same voices. The orderlies smiled and sometimes they let their facades slip and showed their frustration at working with such a high degree of irrationality surrounding them, day in day out. They weren’t unkind though - they weren’t abusive or even patronising - just tired. 

A hospital.

Just outside of the city - it’s secure structure, locks and orderlies reminiscent of a prison, and that was unsettling. It became easier though, after a particulary trying day where she had thought she couldn’t handle it and wanted out. She had outed herself to the psychiatrist, and realised to her immense relief that he was her contact, and she had begun to feel more at ease. 

He liked to play his role though - he was good, and she often silently observed him interacting with the patients, noting the ease at which he slipped into character, and that helped her keep her focus. 

He took her verbal reports on the situation and fed it back to the agents in charge. That’s what he told her anyway - he wasn't NYPD and a part of her carried a degree of mistrust. She would rather the NYPD were steering the op, but as that were not an option, she did her best to remind herself that they were all seeking the same goal. The glory didn’t matter - she didn’t need the recognition of cracking the case, she just wanted it over.

The ’sessions’ with him were something she had begun to look forward to - a break from having to play the role of a delusional patient and talk with someone in the field. She had begun to trust him more and more, sharing personal frustrations at times. She felt oddly comfortable doing that - she wanted to hold more of herself back, but she couldn’t supress the urge to be open with him. 

She didn’t really understand why.

She only had time to check in with Amanda briefly, before meeting with him that morning, but she managed it, realising how vital it was to stay in contact - _especially with Amanda_.

“Lieutenant - have you spoken with Fin lately?”

“Fin?” I spoke to him on the phone - made sure he was holding down the fort ok, but he’s coming in on Friday so we can touch base.” 

“It's good to see him when he checks in even when he doesn't have much to say. He never looks comfortable here, I think he just hates these places.”

“Don’t we all,” he smiled. “How about ….Amanda? Or Carisi? Have you been in contact with them?”

“Yes of course, we have to touch base on an op like this.”

“What did they both tell you?”

“Carisi told me he wanted to pull out - but I convinced him to stay - I don't have many people left...on my squad, so I need him.”

“Carisi’s in room...EG18?” he said, jotting it down as she nodded. “Ok. What about Amanda?”

“She is _good_ at this...better than I ever gave her credit for; she just keeps asking me who Amanda is,” Olivia shrugged. “I just think maybe she’s been under for too long if she doesn’t know her own name anymore. I don't know what to do about her. I think I need to pull her out.”

“Ok Olivia, I can look into that for you. I spoke to Captain Cragen, the NYPD are happy to loan him to us to help.”

Olivia looked at him and frowned, “but he retired.”

“Well that's ok Olivia. If you want your captain to be here - we can make that happen. There doesn't need to be a justification - he wants to help.”

"That would be good, thank you,” she said with a smile as she glanced out of the partially open window - the sound of passing police sirens catching her attention. 

“Do you want to go home Olivia?” he asked.

“Yes, I do...I want to see Noah, ...and Ed - he said we’d make a great family - this time next year we could be married,” she said, smiling softly, although her eyes appeared distant.

“Why do you want to marry him Olivia?” her contact asked, curiously.

“Why?” she asked, baffled. Blinking, she turned her focus from the signs of normal life through the window, and back to him. “Because he’s there...he, I don’t know..” she looked up, meeting his eyes. “Is that bad? I mean I’m trying really hard to love him - he just...sometimes I think he _doesn't fit_. He seems so out of place in my life sometimes but I’m trying hard to love him. It’s just…..sometimes I think of him, and...it feels almost... _wrong_. I know that sounds weird - and I usually just sit here and ask you if he’s sent a message and say he’s my boyfriend and we are happy together. I just, feel you could pretend to be a real shrink for me,” she said, laughing although a slight hesitancy crept in.

She didn't want to bare her soul to a stranger, but she was finding that she had a lot of time to think, and with no one but Carisi, who wasn’t giving her much feedback, and Amanada, who simply flat out denied she even _was_ Amanda every time they spoke, she needed to talk to _someone._

“That’s something we could talk about more if you’d like. I know it’s not what I’m here for directly, but you’ll lose it in here if you don’t have someone sane to talk to, right?” he said, with an understanding smile.

Olivia laughed, “yeah, I guess that’s true."

**MANHATTAN SVU**

“If I'm going to push this with them, I need to know it’s the right move. Five years is a long time - you essentially just walked out of her life….what’s she gonna do if you just walk back in?” sighed Cragen as he watched Elliot warily.

“I know you have reservations - but she needs help in there, and I might be able to make a difference. It’s been too long, and everyone’s saying we have to play this a certain way, but seriously Cap, it’s not working. I just gotta get back in there - get close to her this time, and talk to her,” Elliot said. “I have to make sure she’s ok.”

Cragen glanced around the table, meeting the eyes of Munch and Fin. “I’m going with my gut here - let’s give it a shot - _anything_ is worth a try at this point. She's been in there too long and we need to get her back. We may have made a mistake in going along with all of this, but it’s not our shout.”

“Munch,” Elliot said, a hint of anxiety creeping into his voice. “When you saw her...she was ok….I mean...she’s holding up ok?”

Munch sighed, “it was a brief visit Elliot, and I'm fairly sure I've repeated the words verbatim so often that they are burned into your brain by now. She was happy, confident with how things were going. She's doing as ok as anyone can expect. Seeing you will jolt her though - you can't just walk out of someone's life and expect to saunter back in the door with no build up you know.”

“How the hell do I play this then? I tell her I just felt like turning my back on her one day and didn’t care how that impacted her?”

Munch cast a bemused smile in Elliot’s direction, “It would appear that that’s what you did Stabler - you aren’t looking good for the partner of the year award about now.”

Cragen ignored the angry glare Elliot threw back at Munch, and shook his head. “We need to go in carefully here - play the roles we need to, however unnatural it feels to try to not set off any warning bells, and remember to look at the positives here.”

“Which are?” Fin asked.

“We don’t have more casualties than we could have. Our squad can get through this - _keep hold of the bigger picture._ ” Cragen said.

**Knellscouth Psychiatric Hospital**

Huang went in first - meeting in the psychiatrist's office, the cover protected. He had met with her several times in the past five weeks, and each time he had been able to talk freely with her, but still felt her sense of unease. 

Elliot waited outside the door, too on edge to sit on the comfortable chairs lining the wall that separated him from his partner. He wanted to get in there, go up to her, take her hand and walk the hell out of there with her. Tell her he was never going to leave her, never going to hurt her. Drive her back home to her apartment, order chinese and sit on her couch with her, laughing about how crazy the past five weeks had been, telling her just how proud he was of her for everything she had survived.

He had a feeling it was far more complicated than that though. 

“Are we ok to talk Olivia?” asked Huang, smiling warmly.

“Yeah, my contact has swept the room, we’re clear to talk.”

Huang gave a tight smile and sat on the couch, Olivia taking a seat on the opposite one.

“I spoke to Cragen today - he’s happy to come in on this...said it might be a good idea to bring someone else in too.”

Olivia frowned, “Who? We already have Carisi and Amanda here…”

Huang sighed, his reservations still strong, “I’ve debated this, but I’m going to try something different, that might help this situation - because you can’t continue to remain here like this - you need to make more progress here then you have been lately,” Huang said, as he got up and walked to the door, opening it, and gestured for Elliot to come through.

Elliot walked in quickly, anxious to see her, and only slowing and remembering to keep a slight distance as he took note of the confused expression she wore.

“Liv,” he said cautiously. “How are you holding up?”

Olivia went from confused to angry in a split second, crossing the room and striking him hard across his face. Elliot stepped back, his hand immediately moving to his cheek, rubbing at the sting from her anger in disbelief. 

“Jesus Liv, what the hell?”

“That’s all you have to say to me after five fucking years Elliot?” 

Elliot shook his head in amazement and looked at Huang briefly, who merely nodded at him to continue.

“Liv,” he said, holding his hands up. “Can we talk? Without you hitting me this time?”

Olivia stared at him incredulously. “What the hell did you think I was gonna do - run to your arms Elliot? That I've been waiting for 5 years for you to turn up? I don't need you here.”

Elliot stared at her in amazement, before glancing at Huang. “Sorry, but I’m not playing along with this bullshit - you can say we have to play this game all you want, but it hasn’t helped a damn thing has it? We have to just rip the band aid off and fix this!”

Olivia glanced between Huang and Elliot, confusion and hesitancy instantly creeping in. “What are you talking about? Why bring him in, of all people?”

Huang stepped forward, eyeing her cautiously. "Olivia, we need to address the reasons you're here, and having your friends close to you may help you to....”

“This is bullshit,” Elliot said, cutting him off as he crossed the room and grasped Olivia's shoulders with a gentleness that registered to her, despite his obvious anger. 

He looked into her eyes, and she felt awash with confusion at the desperation she saw reflected back. “You're leaving Liv. _Now_.”

“I’m on a case Elliot, I’m not going to just drop everything and leave with you! What the hell gives you the right to walk in here and tell me to do anything?” she replied, her voice thick with anger as she reached forward, her palms connecting with his chest briefly as she shoved him.

Elliot stepped back and stared at her, his desperation taking hold. “I care about you Liv…....there's not a damn word to describe how I feel about you, and it's killing me to see you in here. Please, just take a drive with me. Let me…” he paused, running a hand across his face, his unplanned actions forcing him to think fast and find the right words to get her cooperation. “Let me apologise for everything. And explain. If I at least get you a break from this place, then that's something I've been able to do for you.”

“Elliot, you can't take her out of the grounds…” Huang began.

“Ok, so we just sit in my car - where's the harm in that? Something she's done a hundred times before - that's not gonna hurt anyone.”

Huang knew full well that Elliot wanted to take it further, and they had discussed the possibilities at great length. Elliot had reassured him that he understood the boundaries, but still Huang was prepared for Elliot to blatantly disregard their agreement. On one level he hoped he would - medical red tape was not doing Olivia any favours, so he acquiesced **.**

Olivia had eventutally agreed to go with him on the premise that he would explain his absence to her. Once in the car however, he simply made small talk as he looked through the windscreen, his eyes flitting between the hospital exit gates and the somewhat bored orderly who was supposed to be watching them, but whose attention was focused on the cell phone he was trying to keep out of sight instead.

She pulled the door closed hard, focusing on the gravel path of the long driveway leading towards the road beyond the gates. She remained silent and Elliot hesitated, not at all sure what his next move should be. He glanced at her, aware that he needed to make some kind of a move but at a loss as to how to approach the difficult conversation they needed to have, and to get her to listen. So he took a deep breath... and started the engine.

"Whaat are you doing?” Olivia said in alarm, turning to stare at him.

“Relax Liv, I’m just taking you to the squad room - I’d ask you to trust me, but you clearly don't, so sit there, simmer, and hate me if that makes you feel better. We’re going to the squad room to talk, and if after that, you wanna come back, I’ll drive you back to the hospital myself, but you need to hear this, and noone else is doing what needs to be done.”

Olivia stared straight ahead, her tension mounting fast, as Elliot began driving, picking up speed far too quickly as the car sped toward the exit barrier, his obvious intention to tailgate another car.

“Stop the goddamn car Elliot, I have work to do,” she said, amazed at the brashness of his actions.

“Yeah you do Liv, but you need a wake up call, and no one else is doing it,” he said as he glanced at her, taking in her tense, angry posture before his eyes returned to the exit.

He cursed, immediatley slamming the breaks on as the exit barrier came down hard across the hood of his car with a loud thud. Elliot could only laugh in desperation, as he stared out of his windscreen at the damage.

“You seriously think I walked out of your life? Didn't care about you? Christ Liv, you think I’m the bad guy and everyone expects me to play along. Screw that. I’m not playing.”

She stared at him in disbelief, not able to find the words to even react to his compulsive, bold move, before throwing her door open and climbing out, slamming it behind her.

His heart dropped as his eyes locked onto her retreating form in the rear view mirror. There would be hell to pay for his attempt to get through to her, but he didn’t care. He had to get her out of there.


	2. Chapter 2

**EIGHTEEN HOURS LATER**

Elliot sighed, ignoring the sound of his cellphone ringing as he continued to drive. He had lost count now of how many times it had rung - over and over again. Cragen’s ringtone mostly, interspersed with Munch and Fin, but he didn’t give his phone so much as a glance as he tried to block out the sound.

If anything, it was keeping him awake now that the adrenaline burst had passed. He was starting to realise how tired he was after driving for most of the night. He had taken a break finally, 2 hours into the drive once he had realised that he had enough distance between him and the chaotic scene he had left behind him as he sped away. 

He had pulled over someplace relatively secluded and tried to sleep, but Cragen had called - ruining any chance he had of falling back to sleep when he told him just how much trouble he was in.He wasn’t even sure he cared - any price was worth to pay if it meant doing the right thing by Olivia.

Turning the steering wheel as he took an exit, he winced at the pain in his head caused by the bump on the car door he had given himself in his haste several hours previously. It had all gone so smoothly until the last moment, when suddenly all hell broke loose and he was forced to drive away - fast.

He knew that Olivia was stirring without needing to glance at her. He knew every shift, every small movement that she made, the small murmur as she roused back to consciousness. Years of stakeouts, waking her in the crib, or sometimes waking her at her desk. He knew her - every part of her. The problem was - that she didn’t seem to know _him_ anymore.

Hearing her turn in her seat, he tensed. He knew he had crossed a line that had got him in a world of trouble. There was no coming back from this, he couldn’t undo it and quite frankly, he didn’t think he would even if he could. He was desperate, he had to help her and to hell with the consequences.

“Elliot…” she began, her voice confused and wary, as he kept his eyes on the road, casting only a brief glance at her. “Elliot...what the hell have you done?”

Elliot gave a resigned sigh, glancing again at her and taking in the tension and disbelief emanating from her.

“Morning...Lieutenant. Stroke of luck that they gave you that sedative last night. Made it pretty easy to get you out of there. Well...I did get pulled over, but I flashed my badge, said you were my girlfriend, and it was my turn to drive so you could party. He waved me off. Other than that, we’ve not had any problems - we’ve covered a lot of ground.”

“You waited till I was knocked out and just picked me up and carried me out??” she asked, staring at him in disbelief.

"Yeah Liv," Elliot said with a slight laugh. "That’s pretty much it, I just left out the finer details, but I got you away from there and that’s what matters.”

He sighed as he registered the sound of his cell phone ringing yet again, while he continued to ignore it.

“What the hell are you talking about? I was working a case Elliot! You can’t just show up and drag me out!”

“Liv, look, this isn’t what you think it is. Can you just….” he sighed, unsure how to explain the reasons for his actions. “They wouldn’t let me see you, and the sons of bitches went to court and.. _.look_ ,” he said, the undertone of frustration and defeat confusing her. “I just have to try. So could you, maybe, just humour me here?”

“You are out of your goddamn mind Elliot,” she said, her hand quickly moving to her forehead, her fingers massaging as she winced in response to the sound of his cell phone ringing.

Elliot frowned, his tone instantly changing to one of concern, “you have a headache? Are you ok Liv?”

Olivia laughed and stared at him in amazement, but the underlying concern and warmth in his voice unnerved her a little. Not understanding why, she pulled her defences up.

“No I’m not ok! Are you going to just let that ring - because I’m not sure how far back it is to the city, but I don't want to listen to that the whole waY,” Olivia said, the shortness of her tone finally getting through to him.

Elliot was beyond frustrated with the whole mess they were in, he had acted with little thought but he knew he was doing the right thing - he just needed Olivia to hear him out and she was far from receptive.

Suddenly, she had no choice but to grab the handle of the door to steady herself, as without a word, he abruptly swerved the car off of the road and onto the shoulder, the tyres screeching, skidding briefly, before he slammed on the brakes and switched off the engine. 

Olivia stared at him incredulously. “Are you trying to kill us both?!”

Elliot glanced at her in silence, before grabbing his cellphone and waiting for it to start ringing again. 

He gave a humourless laugh as he flipped open the phone as soon as it started ringing, and Olivia listened in abject confusion to his end of the conversation.

“Stabler. _Yes_ , I know...couldn't have been stupider," he said as he dropped his head back against his head rest and stared at the road ahead and the rush of the cars passing them. “No..I didn't....not doing her any damn good though is it? Or me. I’m sitting in a car, with my partner, who fucking hates me right now and there's no reason for it! All this time and no one else has got through to her. No! I’m not bringing her back until I've at least tried. I was only gonna take her to the squad room, but if you’re not gonna give me a chance to do this my way, and just take her back. _She has to hear me out_...ok..ok...put him on…”

Olivia watched silently as Elliot listened to the phone intently, confusion swarming in her mind as she rapidly tried to piece together the fragments of conversation that filled the small space in the car.

“I get that, I do….but what if it's making her worse. That can happen right? Yeah so...one is for that, but then she has another one to counter that….and that could be causing more damage, right? That’s possible? It won't hurt her if we just...ok... _good luck with that,_ ” Elliot said as he held out his cellphone, looking at Olivia with a seriousness that unnerved her. “Talk to Munch.”

Olivia hesitantly took the phone, “Munch?”

‘ _Liv,_ it’s good to hear your voice. Listen to me - your partner has been a little reckless here - but I don't for a minute expect him to turn back now. I need you to consider what I’m telling you - it might be hard to understand, but I am telling you the truth. You’re on three different kinds of medications, the second two are countering the side effects…..and they’re pretty serious meds. You can't just go cold turkey and if Elliot doesn't get access to what you’re taking then not only are you gonna to get worse before you get better, but you could be at serious risk of seizure.’

“Munch what the hell are you talking about? This is completely insane!” she said, shaking her head in disbelief. 

_‘Liv_ , while being impulsive and no doubt borderline desperate, Elliot has got himself in a little trouble here. Hear him out before anyone catches up with you, because if they don’t charge him with abduction then they will wrap him up with IAB and red tape for so long that he won't get to come back and see you 'til you are nicely doped up again. Trust him about the meds and _hear him out._ ’

As much as she wanted to outright reject Munch’s words, an underlying feeling of fear crept up on her - she felt an unexplained need to almost go along with Munch and her former partner - and there was no sense to that in her mind at all. Yet still, she felt compelled to. All she could accept was that Elliot was highly unlikely to drive her back to the hospital, so hearing him out, however far fetched and downright insane his words felt to her, was all she could do. 

“Ok Munch,” she said, with an obvious degree of resignation, “I think you and Elliot are as insane as each other right now, but I’ll talk to him, if anything just to end this so I can get back work.”

Se abruptly passed the phone back to Elliot, realising that she was trembling a little, and hastily put her hands down to her sides, hoping that Elliot wouldn't notice. Elliot glanced away quickly, her actions not escaping his notice, but doing his best to pretend that he didn't see. He would address that, he knew he would, he would do right by her. 

‘What do I need to know Munch?...ok...so you get the anti-seizure drugs, and we can just stop the...what was it?...ok. Ace...tylcholine,...and she sure as hell doesn't need anti psychotics...we stop that and she’ll remember who the hell I am and who _she_ is, right?”

Olivia moved her trembling hands to her lap and looked down, his voice becoming distant, his words a muffled jumble of confusion as she felt the sting of tears behind her eyes, and total confusion as to why she was crying. She wasn't even aware that the phone call had ended until Elliot's voice finally pulled her back again, grounding her once more. She felt an instant sense of peace at the sod of his voice - she had missed him, so much. 

“Hey,” Elliot said. His voice next to her, suddenly gentle and cautious and no longer full of anger and frustration. “You ok?”

“Sure,” she whispered, as she raised her head just enough to see his hand reaching for her shoulder, freezing just short of touching her before hesitating and moving back into his seat, the distance between them suddenly seeming vast and impossible.

“Wanna hear a joke?” he said, as he switched his phone off and tossed it into the backseat before starting the engine.

Olivia, still fighting back tears, merely nodded.

“They put a damn APB out on my car. Cragen accused me of abducting you and putting your life in danger. That’s hilarious Liv, isn't it?” he said, his voice flat.

Olivia looked up, taking a breath to control herself before turning to meet his eyes as he glanced at her,.

“Funniest thing I've heard all day,” she replied quietly.

They drove in silence, Elliot well aware of her unease, but unsure what he could say to make her feel any better. He tried small talk, but she wasn't in the slightest bit receptive.

“Where are we going?” she finally said.

“Well my plan got kinda derailed when they took out an APB, so now we are liaising with a friend of Munch’s who is gonna give me your meds.”

Olivia turned quickly to look at him, alarm flashing in her eyes.

“What? Elliot I don't need to take anything!”

“It’s ok, you...had surgery a few weeks ago. I know you won't believe this...but you had a pretty bad head injury, then you went to…. _to this op_...and...shit Liv, “ he said with a sigh. “I don't know how to do this, except to tell you the truth, because no one is doing that. Huang goes on about you being fragile right now...but you’re not. I’ll never look at you and see you as fragile. You’re the strongest person I know for living through this.”

Olivia turned away and leaned against the car door, resting her head and trying to focus, overwhelmed with emotion and confusion. Elliot recognised her need to shut down, to hide her fear and pain from him. It hurt - everything about this hurt, but he did what she needed him to, and did not comment. 

He drove on.

50 miles east, they finally stopped at a motel, Elliot had driven past several that were on the outskirts of town, not wanting to be in such an obvious location should his car be spotted. Finally settling on a more populated area, he felt confident that it would be harder to single out his car and he checked in giving false names, to a small motel just as it began to get dark.

He closed the door, and slid the chain across, securing the bolt. Straightaway his eyes followed Olivia’s to the double bed in the middle of the room and he instantly felt the need to justify that he had to keep her in the same room with him. Feeling suddenly awkward and momentarily panicked that he had given Olivia entirely the wrong impression, he spoke with an obvious hint of anxiety in his voice, that almost made Olivia smile. 

“You can have the bed...I didn’t mean that we had to...I meant there’s a couch and I’m pretty sure it pulls out into a bed…I just, need you in here with me, and...”

“It’s fine, you're a very thoughtful kidnapper Elliot,” she said.

He looked at her in surprise, not expecting the slight lightness to her tone. 

He smiled, crossing the room, intending to stand next to her, but stopped as she held up her hands.

“Elliot…” she said, her voice instantly shaking as she prepared herself to ask the question she had needed an answer to for so long. “ _Don’t._ Just...you wanted to explain, so do it. Where have you been?”

Elliot sighed and resisted the urge to take a step closer to her, wanting to take her in his arms and hold her, but remembering that she was confused and angry with him and the gesture probably wouldn't be met with anything less than another physical blow from her.

He opted instead to pull out the chair from the desk opposite the bed and turn it around, sitting down as she followed suit and sat on the bed, fiddling with her hands as she met his eyes cautiously. 

“Liv I haven't been anywhere - since you woke up..they wouldn't let me see you...they said it would...look, let me explain all this, but hear me out ok?”

Olivia nodded, swallowing and trying to push aside the feeling of dread that crept up on her. Her gut reaction was to get up and walk out, take his keys and drive back. The chain wasn’t on the door, the bolt wasn’t drawn - he was doing nothing to stop her from leaving, yet she just couldn’t get up and walk away. Something inside of her compelled her to remain with him, however unbelievable his actions were, and however confusing his words sounded to her.

“There was a shooting in the squad room. Do you remember Jenna Fox?”

Olivia frowned, and shook her head, trying hard to recall the name.

“That name sounds familiar but I don't know why….” she said before hesitating, unsure whether to reveal something so personal, but feeling deeply unsettled by the similarity with her nightmares. “I remember shots being fired, but I don’t..I don’t remember much about it...other than the fact that I didn’t see you again after that. My dreams twist it around and I’m not sure what actually happened now….her name..was Jenna?”

“ _Yeah_ ,” he whispered, visibly tensing. “Jenna.”

He closed his eyes for the briefest moment, meeting her eyes as soon as he opened them. Olivia saw such grief reflected back at her that it struck her. She didn’t question her sudden need to listen - the pain he obviously felt was a mystery to her, but the only thing that seemed to make sense to her, was that she _had_ to know why he was hurting so much. 

“Listen Liv, she brought a gun in, we didn’t know, we never could have predicted it. She started shooting, I should’ve...should’ve stopped her sooner, but I didn't, I fired, I..killed her..but I was a _fraction_ of a second too late... and you got shot. You were in surgery for hours, then they put you in coma to help your brain heal - your skull was fractured...when you woke up, you didn't know who I was at first, you were scared.”

He paused as he took in her reaction to his words, he couldn't tell if she was accepting a word of his explanation, but she was listening so all he could do was carry on.

“Your memory was messed up, and you had side effects from the surgery...you had convulsions, I was holding your hand and...it was damn scary Liv. I thought…” he looked at her, her breath catching at the tears in his eyes. “I thought you were gonna die.”

“El...why are you saying this?” she whispered, disbelief and pain colouring her voice. “Why are you _doing this_?”

“Because it's true baby, _please,_ think about what I'm saying. You're on anti psychotics because the anti...other shit, got you confused and scared and lashing out. But you don't need that, you just need the anti seizure stuff...if you have side effects from that….then we can deal with it together...you just...you need to be...you. You need to get yourself back so you can make informed decisions about your own care."

He paused, watching her. She was clearly confused and uncertain by his words and the emotion behind them. Realising he had to keep going and take it as far as he could, he didn't pause for long to give her time to absorb or analyse.

“I tried to stop them putting you on anti psychotics. Munch told me how bad the side effects could be, especially mixed with these other drugs, but the doctors went to court and they won. So they put you on stronger and stronger meds, and you don't…” he paused, taking a breath. “You don't know who you are anymore. You’re in this warped version of real life...I mean...you think you’re playing happy families with Ed Tucker - I don't even know why your mind did that, but when you come back to me Liv, when you're _you_ again...you're gonna be damn embarrassed about that one. Christ, if that son of a bitch ever hears about that...”

Olivia wiped a shaking hand at the tears running down her cheeks, suddenly not bothered if he saw her apparent weakness - they were more tears of confusion than anything else. Her head was beginning to hurt the more she tried to understand his words.

“I’m…” she said, ignoring a sob as it escaped her. “On an undercover op, at the hospital...and you...you walked out of my life and you didn't even answer my calls..” 

“You think that’s even possible Liv? Does that makes any kind of sense to you? That I could just walk away from you one day, just like that?” he said, taking a breath, keeping his emotions in check as best as he could, knowing that he needed to finish. “How could you even think that I would do that? Don’t you know what you mean to me??”

“I thought I did,” she whispered. “Guess I was wrong.”

Elliot stood up, her eyes following him as he walked towards the bathroom and opened the door. “Come here for a minute - I just - if I show you something...it'll make more sense.”

“Something in the bathroom?” Olivia said with a frown.

“Just - do this for me, ok? Give me this one chance to prove to you that you can trust me. I need you to see this, because...I'm guessing they don't have too many mirrors on the ward you were in.”

Olivia tensed, an unexplained feeling of dread coursing through her once again, but she stood - their eyes locking as she made her way silently over to him. She watched as he took her hand in his, letting out at a breath that she didn’t even realise she was holding at the feel of his touch. He stepped back into the bathroom and despite herself, she felt so right with him - and allowed him to lead her inside.

Stopping as soon as she was through the door, without a word spoken between them, he pulled her into his arms. Despite her anger, she couldn't help her instinctive reaction as her arms slipped around him, settling on his back, her head turning to rest on his broad chest. 

It was warmth, love and honesty - things that her life had been devoid of for a long time. She smiled as she felt him pull back slightly, the faintest touch of his lips, as he softly kissed her head.

“I'm just so glad you're here Liv,” he whispered. “We’ve wasted so much time, and..shit I can't put this on you right now. Just know I’d never hurt you like you think I have.”

Olivia met his eyes; the honesty and love she saw was undeniable but she felt an instant stab of confusion as, without another word, he stepped back, once again taking her hand.

He led her to to the mirror but she didn't look, she was too wrapped up in the feel of his hand holding hers, the way she was so full of confusion and unspent tears, yet that feeling; of his arms around her, his warmth as he held her, his lips gently brushing against her temple...in that moment she didn't feel afraid of what he was going to show her. She felt her breathing slow, as she relaxed despite her racing thoughts once his hand reached up, his fingers raking through with an odd familiarity, sweeping it across to the other side. 

Taking her shoulders he gently turned her to face the mirror, her eyes remained down, focused on the sink until she felt his hands gently squeeze her shoulders - “look up baby, it’s ok, you don't have to be afraid to look.”

Olivia hesitantly let her eyes move up to the mirror staring hard into her own eyes, thinking only that she looked….younger, than she should have, before Elliot moved his hand to her chin, tilting her head to the right. 

Her hand instantly moved up to a large scar on the side of her head. And her eyes widened in shock, she took a sudden step backwards, colliding with the solid warmth of Elliot’s chest. 

He instantly wrapped his arms around her waist, holding her gently, but firmly enough that he would be able to stop her from falling.

“They only shaved as much as they needed to so they could operate - they did a good job - with your hair down you can hardly notice it. It doesn't matter if the scar doesn't fade - you won't see it under your hair. You had a bad crack in your skull..it'll take time to heal fully...and you know what? They said it wasn't looking good when they first brought you in, but you showed them all,” he said before finally pausing, realising he was speaking so fast that she probably wasn't taking in anything he was saying. 

He gave her a moment as she leaned closer to the mirror, turning her head slightly and examining the scar, her fingers cautiously touching the healing wound. Her breathing was rapid as her heart raced. She tried hard to focus on his words - his voice a beacon for her to hold on to through her confusion and shock. She stared hard at her reflection, her fingers gingerly touching the shorter hair covering the scar.

“They moved you off the high dependency unit - but then they transferred you to the psych ward because you weren't coming out of this world in your head that you sorta slipped into. They said it was the shock - it kinda made you lose yourself in a fantasy.

But Munch said they over medicate and it's in their interests to keep people on long term meds...he says they make money out of stopping patients getting well. It sounds damn crazy though...but gotta admit on one level I believe it. I agree with him on this - the drugs are making you worse, not better.”

Olivia continued to run her fingers lightly over the scar, the light regrowth of her hair feeling both alarming and comforting at the same time. 

Through the mirror, her eyes met his, the panic and shock she felt gradually falling away as the love and warmth in his eyes reached her.

“This can’t be real El...this is crazy,” she said, her voice breaking as a sob escaped her.

His heart broke at the sound, knowing that he was reaching her, but hating that he was hurting her.

“I wish it was, it’s been hell, but every time they told me you weren’t going to get through, you showed them and you improved...I didn’t leave you Liv - I didn’t walk out of your life - hell I didn’t even leave the hospital for the first 3 or 4 days,” he paused, holding her closer. “I didn’t wanna leave you for a damn second. They got that fucking court order and said they were gonna stop me seeing you if I got in the way. Not that it made a difference, they did that anyway.”

“If this..if what you’re saying is true, if it _was_ true…. “ she said, struggling to form words as she began to feel suddenly nauseous, before lowering her voice to a whisper. “ _Would I be ok again_?” 

“Yeah Liv, you will - _I know you will._ You'll set off every metal detector you ever pass through from now on, given what they did to put you back together again but that's a small price to pay for you being alive.”

“I remember...Cragen telling me you put your papers in. Calling you and you didn't pick up,” she said, her voice coloured by confusion as she continued to stare at her reflection in shock. 

“Look Liv, “ he said, losing the battle against the emotion that he struggled to keep out of the conversation, so he could say everything that he needed to. “It’s been hell. So I'm throwing the boundaries out of the window because for some reason you seem to hate me, so what do I have left to lose? If the woman I love and respect thinks I’m callous and don't feel so much for her that it keeps me awake at night, then I can forget about worrying about ruining our friendship and our partnership, because you think I already have.”

Olivia tensed slightly as his arms slipped away from her waist, the loss of his warmth causing a small shiver. He took her hand and tugged gently, giving her a moment to react, before she stepped forward and he was able to lead her out of the bathroom. Her eyes locked with his as he sat down with her on the bed, reluctantly letting go of her hand, leaving just enough distance that he could reach for her if she would let him. 

He paused for a moment, ensuring that she was ready to listen. She ran her fingers through her hair, pulling it over her scar, before settling her hands on her lap hesitantly and meeting his eyes. 

“I love you Olivia. I don’t know why your mind decided that I was gonna be some bastard who could walk out of your life and never speak to you again. Or why you live in this fictional world. Maybe...maybe you feel better there. Maybe you gave yourself a baby and you can't leave that fantasy, but you could do that here…with _me_ Liv. _We_ could. If you let me be a part of your life in that way. We could do that together. You could be a mom - and what I said, it still stands, it always does. However you wanna do that…”

“ _You’ll support me,_ ” she said quietly as she closed her eyes, creating a futile barrier as her tears only escaped faster. 

Elliot edged closer then stopped, knowing it was important that the choices remained with her. Instead he simply held out his arms and waited, hoping that she would choose to let him comfort her, and not retreat further into her fantasy.

Olivia paused, looking at him with uncertainty, fighting her need to close the distance between them and sink into his embrace, but his heart only broke further when she did not come to him, her mind still battling to make sense of everything he had told her. 

“But if it’s not real - what about the others? Amanda, Carisi?”

Elliot let his arms drop heavily back to his sides, his hope that he could get through to her beginning to fade. 

“Look Liv,” he said, as he shifted on the bed, pulling his cellphone from his pocket, only vaguely noticing the large number of missed calls, voicemails and text messages. “I got Munch to do some digging. He sent me some stuff that might help...this, is your Amanda.”

He held the phone out to her, but she didn't take it, staring straight at the screen, confused. “What is this?” she asked.

“Amanda….she kept telling you she wasn't Amanda...please hold onto that and take that on board. Read the article. Her name is Elizabeth Potter, she was admitted to the hospital two weeks before you, she attempted suicide. They moved you to that psych ward after they changed your meds. I hated it baby, you didn't belong there.”

“This...this could easily be faked Elliot…” she said, as she passed the phone back to him hesitantly.

Elliot immediately pressed the arrow keys and brought up the next image, holding the phone out towards her, determined that he would reach her. 

“What about this then? This is Carisi - he's a patient called Matthew Robson, who has been there for over 5 years. He’s just playing the game with you Liv, he’s lonely and you talk to him, so he plays along.”

“No El, _they’re real,_ they’re not patients….what about Dodds??”

“He was only there for a week, the feedback we got was that he was a decent guy, and he recognised your need to form these characters...he just went along with it. They _are_ all patients. Liv, I wouldn't leave you - in what world would that ever make sense? Don't let go of that fact, because that might be what brings you home to me.”

Olivia looked at him, the pain that he had caused with the words he had spoken and the evidence he had showed her, clearly affecting her. She dropped her eyes, staring at the ground for a moment before looking back up, their eyes meeting as she spoke in a grief stricken whisper, “ _but what about Noah_?”

His heart broke at her words. In trying to bring her back, trying to help her, he would steal a part of her that she honestly thought was real. He felt like that bastard she thought he was, for robbing her of something she had longed for for years. But she couldn't continue like it, he had to help her. He couldn't sit by as they pumped more and more drugs into her already clouded and confused mind. 

“ _I’m sorry Liv,_ there never was a baby, but it doesn't have to be that way. We can change that, it won't be the child in your mind, but we can have our own. I swear to you Liv, I'm not lying to you. I love you and I nearly lost you, and I can't sit by while every day there is less and less of you left.”

He swallowed, raising his arms again, and closing his eyes, praying that this time she would come to him. 

Olivia took a deep, shaky breath and silently edged closer, suddenly wanting to feel his warmth again. Slipping her arms around his waist, she relaxed along with him as she felt him sigh in relief, allowing herself to sink into the warmth of his hold as his arms wrapped around her, pulling her close.

“You’re detective Olivia Benson, it’s 2011 and you're my partner. Cragen and Munch haven't retired and you've had enough pain in your life - you were never abducted by Lewis - your mind created a monster and made you its victim, and you just got locked away deeper and deeper into a world that doesn't exist,” he said, fighting the tears that welled up as fast as his words had come tumbling out. 

“I love you, and I miss you...and I want you back.”

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> re reading and editing a story I wrote so long ago, I have forgotten much of what I wrote - the Noah revelation has me emotional now. But I brought back the offer Elliot made, and that I hope, eases any pain I made for her on this chapter.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My original author note stated this would be the last fic I wrote. June 2018 - I had fled from an abusive marriage shortly before this chapter and things were scary for a while. I'm in my own place now, and I have written over 77 fics since then. My other fics are Doctor Who and are under Melkur_Mistress.

Elliot stood at the window, two coffee cups on the ledge in front of him, the steam rising up and forming a mist on the glass. He reached out, and absentmindedly wiped at the steam with his hand as he looked out, his eyes firmly fixed on his car. He had stood there for over 45 minutes - watching her. Scared that she would start the engine and leave, concerned that any action on his part at that moment could spook her into panicking and speeding off. He had been very torn, an ting to give her space to process everything he had bombarded her with but the fear that she might just drive off, simply tormented him. After a further five minutes he grabbed his jacket and balanced the two cups in one hand as he picked up the motel room key card with the other, and headed out.

Olivia jumped as he rapped on the passenger side window, but relaxed considerably when she realised it was him. Giving a slight smile, she leaned across to the door, reaching for the handle. He pulled open the door and got in quickly, closing it behind him before setting his coffee in the cup holder and holding out the other one to Olivia. She had merely stared at the steam rising from the cup at first, giving a slight shiver as she suddenly became aware of how cold she felt.

“Coffee. You must be freezing out here,” he said.

Olivia took the cup and mouthed her thanks before holding it gratefully, warming her hands on the hot cup as she relaxed, feeling a sudden sense of familiarity at the intimacy of the two of them, alone in a car, coffee and conversation, just like countless nights before. 

“So... you just left while I was in the bathroom - you going somewhere?” he asked.

Olivia glanced at him before turning her attention back to the darkened expanse of the unlit parking area in front of her. “I don’t know.”

“Well, if you do start that engine, where are you gonna drive to?”

“Home,” she said quietly.

“Liv...where is that? Where’s home?”

Olivia sighed and turned to look at him, hesitancy and anxiety clouding her voice, “It’s not that I think you’re lying to me El, it really isn’t. I just need to see for myself...I need to go to my apartment and see what’s there."

“Your apartment is on 89th street - this other place you think you live - if it helps, we could go there, but your stuff, your home..it’s all right where you left it that morning when you went to work. Trust me Liv, I went there, I picked up changes of clothes for you, then when they kicked me out of the hospital...I..err, I sorta been staying there. Being there was the only thing that stopped me totally losing it," Elliot said before exhaling heavily and watching her with concern. “So, we can do that, if that’s what you really need to do, we can go back. We can go look at the place you think you live, then I can take you home and you’ll see nothing has changed, nothing at all - but you’ve been sectioned, and there’s a warrant out for me,” he paused and gave a humourless laugh. “We’d have to talk to Cragen - so he doesn't lock us both up.”

Olivia folded her hands together in her lap - subconsciously trying to conceal the slight trembling as she took a deep breath and tried to focus her thoughts.

“If...Lewis wasn’t real - how did you know about him?” she asked cautiously.

Elliot looked away, guilt and hesitance taking instant hold of him.

“Liv, I was there with you every moment, I just wanted to help you, and they disregarded your wishes. You made me your next of kin because you put that trust in me to do what was right for you - but they took that away and made decisions about you. One of the nurses told me they thought I was negatively impacting your recovery - because of the whole court order crap about your meds, so I knew I was on borrowed time there. Last week I got back in and accessed your medical records and notes of your psych sessions. It was wrong, but I needed to do something.”

“I understand that…” she said, and he turned to look at her - the dim light from the motel room sign casting a glow into her window.

“You do?” he said, surprised but still slightly wary of her admission.

Olivia looked at him giving a small smile before quietly replying, “yeah.”

“Anything I’ve done has been to help you - and this...the way I got you out of the hospital, must feel like a huge damn intrusion into your life - but it’s _not_ your life Olivia. You’re not living your life in there.”

Olivia met his eyes, feeling somewhat calmer. The more he spoke, however crazy the story he was telling her sounded, the more comforted, and... _right_ , she felt.

“So - you wanna come back inside?” he said. “3am’s not the best time to be deciding whether to risk a drive back to the city. But whatever you wanna do, once you’ve had time to think and let all this sink in - then that’s what we’ll do.”

His heart rose in hope as Olivia smiled at him fleetingly, before pulling the keys out of the ignition and tossing them back to him.

“Tomorrow,” she said, the warmth in her words not escaping Elliot’s notice. 

After a few hours of sleep, Olivia woke, the sunlight streaming in through the windows instead of the dull, plain walls, and artificial light of the hospital. She smiled, not quite fully awake yet, but enjoying the moment of peace - no alarm waking her, no orderly disturbing her sleep to check on her. Turning slightly she suddenly froze as she realised her movement was restricted by a weight across her waist. In a sudden panic she sat up, shuffling back quickly, her heart racing as her back connected with the headboard. Elliot’s arm dropped from her waist, waking him with a start.

“Woah, Liv, it's ok. You're ok.” Elliot said as he woke abruptly and sat up, shifting back straight away to give her space.

“What..what happened?” she said, looking down at herself, her confusion growing as she noticed that she was wearing the same clothes she had on the day before but the bed was so much larger than the cramped hospital bed she had become accustomed to. 

“Nothing happened..Liv, I held you, and you fell asleep, so I just…”

Olivia took a slow deep breath, calming herself, her instinctive rush of anxiety slowing.

“El, I'm sorry..I just...I was disoriented for a moment. I'm ok, I just...” she took a starting breath, momentarily closing her eyes before continuing. “I've woken up in the same place every day for months.”

“Not month's Liv, _weeks._ It's been just over five weeks,” Elliot said as he tentatively reached out and lightly stroked her cheek.

“Yeah,” she breathed. “I remember.”

Olivia sighed, closing her eyes at the feel of Elliot’s light touch against her cheek, a rush of peace and calm seeming to flood through her at his touch. SO much was utterly confusing but his touch felt right, and she decided that perhaps that was the only things she should listen to.

A rapid knock at the door suddenly interrupted them and Olivia gasped, a rush of anxiety shooting through her abruptly as her eyes flew open and she turned to stare at the door, startled.

“It's ok, wait here,” Elliot said as he dropped his hand to her shoulder, giving a reassuring squeeze.

Olivia watched as he climbed off the bed and walked towards the door. The knowledge that he had been in the same bed with her gave her an undeniable flush of warmth. She focused, this was not the time to explore those thoughts. Or perhaps there was no time more right - her mind needed to make sense of far too much. She snapped herself from her thoughts and listened to the brief exchange at the door before Elliot closed it again, looking at her with a slight hesitancy.

“There’s a doctor here Liv, we gotta get your anti seizure meds - Munch sent him, we can trust him...you _need_ to see him, but I’m not gonna bring him in without you agreeing to this first.”

Olivia quickly got out of bed and walked over to join him, her eyes falling to the door. Leaning forward, she peered through the spy hole, pausing as she took a deep breath and composed herself, before her hand slipped down to the door handle and pushed it down, opening the door fully.

“Detective Benson?” 

Olivia stepped back and gestured for him to come in.

“yeah,” she said with a forced air of confidence. “Olivia.”

“Craig Holt,” he said with a smile as he held out his hand. “John Munch said you have quite the situation here.”

Olivia took his hand, thanking him for coming, before Elliot repeated the gesture. She had then stood hesitantly, feeling awkward and not really sure what to do next, but the doctor smiled warmly and set his bag down on the counter next to her, opening it.

“I’m just going to check you over, and then we can see what I can do for you to make sure you stay well. I need to examine the area around your wound, check you reactions, but your visual responses especially, and basic things like blood pressure and a urine test. Then we can discuss ongoing treatment - are you comfortable with all of that?”

“I think so..” she began, suddenly feeling nervous of the diagnosis he could give her.

Elliot stepped back, giving them some space, but could not take his eyes off of her as she sat down in the bed, the doctor at first palpating her skull carefully. His silence unsettled Olivia more than she cared to admit. She swallowed, her eyes drifting to Elliot momentarily, who gave her a slight smile which did nothing to hide the fear he so obviously battled. She closed her eyes, and her mind immediately drifted to Noah - as the feel of the doctors touch against her head increased slightly in pressure. Thoughts of him caused an instant and immense wave of sadness - followed by a surge of panic. Noah - he couldn't just disappear - he was her son, she loved him and people didn't just disappear from her life. 

She opened her eyes and met Elliot’s concerned gaze and the grief came rushing back to her. He had left, he had just disappeared. For one fleeting moment, she contemplated which reality was actually true and she almost laughed.The humour passed quickly however, as she took in the concern etched into Elliot’s features - his concern was only for her, and he was beginning to look terrified as the doctor continued to work in silence, frowning as he turned her head gently to face him and began shining a light into her eyes.

“Are you getting any headaches Olivia?” the doctor asked.

“Yeah, but they’re not that bad, nothing I can't handle.”

“OK, that's good,” he smiled. “How's your coordination?””

“Um, I don't know - I haven't noticed anything to worry about..I mean nothing major.”

“Is she doing ok?” Elliot said, his voice sounding every bit an anxious as Olivia felt, if not more.

“For someone who had a bullet crack her skull, I would say she’s doing exceptionally well,” the doctor said, as he sat back, watching her carefully.

“Could you stand for a moment?”

Olivia stood, avoiding eye contact with Elliot as she felt an ill timed tremor coursing through her.

“And your last seizure was?”

“I..dont know - I don't remember having any,” she said.

“As far as I know, 3 weeks ago,” Elliot said.

“Without your full medical notes, it's difficult to know the way forward here, because they probably adjusted your medication after your last seizure. I think we keep your anti seizure medication the same as what I have on the records that I _do_ have access to - we might be able reduce it, but not too much, too fast. You need to continue with the combination of Keppra and Lamictal for now, then you need to get that reviewed once another 6-8 weeks have passed. The other drugs - one is managing side effects - it won't do any harm to stop that, but if you do it abruptly then you might find you have a rough time for a few days - headaches worsening, increase in tremors, and dizzy spells.”

“Temporarily though- she will be ok in a few days?” Elliot asked.

“Yes, I fully expect any increase in those symptoms to pass. But I can't express enough that you do need to reduce it gradually - I can leave you with a schedule to help with that. Now you were given an injection of Olanzapine, do you know what that is?””

“No, I...didn't even know I was taking it - or anything else that you're talking about,” Olivia said, shaking her head.

“It is an anti psychotic and was given by a slow release injection, you don't appear to have been given it in any form since then, so I expect that the hospital were planning on continuing that. It’s effective for around four weeks and would be due around now - if you don't take another injection or move on to taking it another form, then symptoms can worsen.”

"But if the..um...issues she’s having with...reality..." Elliot said tentatively. "If they’re _caused_ by a side effect to one of the meds...if we can reduce all of this - then she’ll feel more like herself again.”

“ _If_ it is that. It could also be related to her injury - we can’t change too much too fast. Stopping the anti psychotic means we can then reduce the strength of her anti seizure drugs - they’ve put her on quite the cocktail of drugs here. It’s a common situation - keep prescribing drugs to counter effects of other drugs - but then bring an anti psychotic into the mix and you've got a vicious circle of complications,” he said before turning to Olivia and offering her a reassuring smile. “It has been a relatively short space of time however, so we can get you off of most of this, but I want to monitor you for any signs of cranial pressure, and I can't express enough that you need to reduce these gradually.”

“How would I know if there's cranial pressure?" She asked

“You might not have any immediate symptoms, that's why scans are important. Can you tell me your full name?”

“Olivia Benson..” she hesitated momentarily, “Olivia Margaret Benson.”

She felt a flash of confusion as Elliot’s eyes snapped quickly toward the doctor in concern.

“What’s wrong? - I know my own name,” she said defensively.

“I’ve only just seen your notes for the first time and they are only an abridged version - could you confirm that for me?” the doctor asked, turning to Elliot.

“She..” Elliot began, uncertainly, “doesn’t have a middle name.”


	4. Chapter 4

Elliot remained silent as the doctor finished taking her vitals casually asking her questions as he proceeded. 

“OK, Olivia we're almost done here -can you tell me what year it is?”

“It’s 20…”she paused, suddenly feeling uncomfortable under the gaze of both the doctor and Elliot, “I know it’s 2011….I do...I just...I feel like it should be 2016…but I know it's not..”

“That’s good,” he said. “You’re doing far better than I expected - so this is all very encouraging, but you do need to be under medical care, anyone suffering a cracked skull such a short time ago would be.”

Elliot pushed himself off of the dressing table, and extended his hand, “thank you for helping her, can we call you if we need advice?”

“I would be failing in my duty of care to my patient if I walked away now. You will need brain scans and x-rays, and psychiatric evaluations Olivia - you’re experiencing delusions and confusion with reality that may not solely be the result of your medications, they could also be the result of your injury - please bear that in mind. Reducing this medication may help to give us an insight into what is actually causing your distortions of reality. I’m happy to see you but you will need to have hospital checkups also to understand the best way forward.”

Olivia was quiet after the doctor had left - Elliot didn't push her to talk, and instead spent time reading the written information the doctor had left behind. There was a lot of information and he knew he needed to take it all in. Giving her some space for a short while, he had found a small shop close to the motel, and finding that it wasn't really stocked well enough to put a meal together, he chose snacks, coffee, and things he thought Olivia might like. The doctor had emphasised the importance of eating healthily in his notes, but Elliot found it impossible to find healthy options in the store. He was cautious of leaving her alone for long, but wanted to show her that he was able to give her space and recognise when she needed it. 

Closing the door, he put his bag on the floor and his eyes fell on Olivia standing at the table, the small kettle from the complimentary tea and coffee tray in her hand, poised over a mug. She turned to look at him briefly, her eyes full of sadness and disappointment, before returning her attention quickly to the coffee mug. It took Elliot a moment to realise what was wrong. As soon as his eye fell on her shaking hands, he crossed the room quickly, reaching her a split second too late as the boiling water from the kettle splashed onto her hand. Wincing, she took a deep, trembling breath,

“I’m ok. I just want to pour this damn coffee.”

Elliot sighed and moved to stand behind her, his arms slipping around her as he closed his hands over hers, careful not to touch the part her skin that he could see was beginning to blister, but using enough pressure to steady her. She relaxed instantly, letting her body ease back against the warmth of his chest. Between them, they poured the coffee, the hot liquid filling her cup despite the trembling which seemed to be rapidly worsening with the effort. He felt her hands shaking under his and steadied her, only easing the pressure of his hands once she shifted, letting her show him how she needed him to help, as he guided her to ease the kettle back onto the counter.

“Let’s take care of your hand before you drink that, ok?” he said, as his arms closed around her, briefly enclosing her in the warmth of his arms, his voice gentle, caring and full of compassion. 

She wanted to turn around and slip her arms around him, pull him closer to her and just remain there in his arms. The only thing that made sense to her was Elliot - everything else was a mass of confusion. The sharp pain from the burn on her hand brought her focus back quickly however.

“Ok," she whispered reluctantly. “That's probably a good idea.”

Elliot had quickly produced a first aid box from his car, applying burn gel and bandaging her hand. When he had finished, he cradled her hand in his before lifting it and tracing her fingers with his lips lightly, his touch bringing a warmth and light to her eyes as she smiled.

“Thanks El,” she whispered, her eyes locked with his.

“This is gonna get better Liv, and I’m going to...I mean, if you let me - I want to help you get through this and get back to...to being you.”

Olivia closed her eyes as he lowered her injured hand, and moved quickly to lightly and tentatively touch her cheek, his fingers cautiously tracing her skin. When she opened her eyes and he was met with only warmth, and his tension faded away as he cupped her cheek, hope coursing through him as she leaned into his touch.

They could get there - they could get through this.

The peace they found was soon interrupted by yet another phone call, and Olivia contemplated briefly whether asking Elliot to stop switching it on was the best move, or whether breaking the tentative line of communication was the right thing to do. 

She sat on the bed, her back eased into the soft pillows propped up against the headboard, but she felt anything but relaxed as she listened.

“I do understand. Yes. I am. Do what you have to do, I’m doing the right thing here - and she _has_ seen a doctor. I’m not about to let her have a seizure on my watch….No, but she understands what happened, she accepts it...so not so damn crazy is she? She doesn't need to be in there…”

She listened as Elliot spoke on his cell phone, clearly agitated with the person on the other end. He turned and caught her eye, his gaze instantly softening as he smiled at her.

“You ok?” he mouthed.

Olivia nodded and gave him a small smile in return, clearly uncomfortable to be the obvious subject of his conversation. Getting up, she went into the bathroom and closed the door, turning on the bath taps in the hope that she wouldn't be able to make out Elliot’s end of the conversation above the sound of the water running. 

She climbed in, closing her eyes and trying to block out the muffled sound of his voice, as she battled to make sense of her world.

Noah. Her child. She couldn't push aside her feelings, despite knowing the truth. She had held him, sung to him, rocked him to sleep - she was _certain_ of that. He had felt so real, and the loss she felt at his absence in her life was immense. He _had_ to be real. He couldn't have been a delusion, because delusions were bad. They weren't full of love and kindness and laughter, they were full of pain. Delusions were Lewis, fear, powerlessness, hopelessness. They were losing things and people she loved. They were the empty feeling in her heart when she thought about her partner and how she wondered what their relationship ever was to him that he could just walk away from her. 

She screwed her eyes shut as she tried not to cry, remembering the way she felt in the hospital when she had finally got out of that hell in the beach house. She wanted him. She wanted her partner and he didn't even check up on her. He would have known - he must have known, and he didn't even visit her.

_And that didn’t make any sense._

Taking a deep breath, fighting to make sense of the jumbled mess of her memories, she tried hard to focus. 

He was here. 

He was here and he was telling her that he never left, and that was the only thing that made sense to her. The only thing that grounded her and steadied her frayed nerves. Elliot hadn't left her….because he would never walk away. 

Her thoughts were interrupted as the door abruptly opened and Elliot walked quickly in, freezing as his eyes locked with hers.

“I’m sorry...I should have knocked..you were just quiet, and...shit, sorry.” he stammered, diverting his eyes from her as he stared at the side of the bath tub.

Olivia hesitated, glancing at the foamy bath water which covered most of her body. “It’s ok,” she said softly, “you don't need to apologise - you really don’t. Could you...could you help me?”

Elliot took a step into the room, still uncomfortable at having intruded given her state of undress.

“My hands are shaking so much.” she said, “and I don't wanna get the dressing wet.”

“The doctor said the shaking will get better - I know it's gotta be frustrating for you,” Elliot said, wanting to ease her anxiety.

“I know. I just hope he’s right. Can you help me get some shampoo - I just,” she paused, her eyes focused on the water. “I can't get the cap off the damn bottle.”

Elliot relaxed slightly, moving up to the bath tub and picking up the bottle on the side. “You’re doing good Liv, this is all gonna get better. You don't know how far you've come. Look..let me do this. You need to avoid getting it on your skin..it's only just healing…... If it's ok..”

Olivia hesitated before swallowing and sitting up a little more, the foamy water still covering her breasts, “ok”

Elliot crouched down, and put his hands on her shoulders as he eased her back down comfortably, “just lay back and relax, I’m pretty good at this.”

Olivia gave a laugh as she closed her eyes, trying to relax, but knowing that she was laying there naked, even if Elliot wasn’t really seeing anything - relaxing wasn’t coming easily to her, not with the way his hands touched her head gently as he carefully massaged the shampoo into her hair, his fingers skilfully running across her head. She lifted a leg, bending her knee as she eased back, her tension leaving her with the loving way he caressed her.

Elliot couldn't help it when his eyes drifted to the exposed skin of her leg - the foamy waterline stopping short of giving him a more intimate view. Looking away, he concentrated on her hair, taking a sponge and squeezing it, the water streaming gently onto her head as he rinsed the shampoo away.

“You weren’t exaggerating El,” she murmured.

“Exaggerating?” he asked.

“Yeah, you really are good at that,” she smiled.

“I asked them what I could do, when they put you in a coma. I hated not being able to do anything for you. So...a nurse showed me how to use a sponge to wash your hair without getting your stitches wet. I knew you wouldn’t remember and you probably didn’t even know I was there...but I just needed to do something for you. It shouldn’t just be strangers who were taking care of you,” he paused. Realising she was silent, his anxiety at having crossed boundaries that she might not be comfortable with, grew by the second. “Liv...you...er..you ok with that? I mean, i just needed to do something for you, and…”

“Elliot,” she whispered, and he froze.

“El,” she said, as she turned in the bath, the soapy water slipping lower, revealing the swell of her breasts, “you did that for me...I…” she paused, her heart thudding heavily as she battled with her desire to speak the words.

Elliot looked into her eyes, waiting for her to continue, knowing that something had shifted. He hoped she was on the same page as him - he didn't even feel like he was intruding any more, despite her obvious nakedness. The look as her eyes met his was pure love and trust, the fear or confusion had rapidly tumbled away.

She had never loved him more than she did at that moment. 

“Elliot....” she said. “Nobody has ever done anything like that for me before…”

His eyes searched hers, hoping that he wasn't reading her wrong. Her gaze softened and he fought hard against the urge to lean in and kiss her. He desperately wanted to see that she could come out of her confused memories and remember what the were to each other - what they really were. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly, steadying his nerves as he glanced down at the foamy water momentarily before returning to the warmth of her gaze. He swallowed, struggling with his desire - he didn't want to overwhelm her - pouring out his feelings when she was only just piecing together reality seemed wrong.

“I love you El,” she said quietly.

He stared at her, wondering at first if he had misheard her, then smiled. He knew he should be careful, but she had said the words he had thought he would never hear her say, and he couldn't let the moment pass without being honest himself. 

“I love you too Liv,” he said with a grin that he couldn't fight if he tried. 

The words sounded comfortable and familiar. It didn't feel strange to say those words to her - it felt as though they had already spoken them a hundred times over; with their actions, with their eyes, with their unspoken promises to each other.

Elliot took a deep breath and slipped a hand around the back of her neck, pulling her towards him, his other hand sliding down the wet skin of her back. She smiled as he pulled her towards him, crossing the last remaining vestiges of distance as his lips met hers.

He closed his eyes, his mind instantly filled with images of her - the last time they had been in the squad room together. He moved her. He knew he wasn't supposed to, and the paramedic had admonished him for it, but he panicked. He reacted and lifted her to hold her while he pressed his balled up jacket against her head. He had felt nothing but a cold, sickening shock as his eyes drifted from Jenna’s lifeless body back to his partner in his arms, his jacket growing increasingly soaked with her blood. 

He didn't even remember shooting Jenna for the first two weeks. All he could remember was seeing Olivia go down. Running to her, holding her - the way she was limp in his arms and unresponsive.

His mind snapped back to the present as she responded eagerly to him, deepening their kiss as her tongue met his. Years of want and need for each other tumbling out as their passion took over.

Elliot was the one to pull away first, causing a groan of protest from Olivia, “El, please don't tell me you didn’t mean to do that.”

“I’ve been trying _not_ to do that for years Liv...I just...I don’t want to push you too far,” Elliot said, chuckling.

Olivia smiled…”Does it look like you're pushing me right now El? Because I’m telling you I’m pretty sure I want this as much as you do. I don't know where the hell I've been but this...this is all that feels right. Does that make sense?”

Elliot smiled, as he ran his fingers through her wet hair, sweeping it back from her face, “makes total sense.”

“It’s the only thing that makes _any_ sense to me right now,” she said as she leaned forward, her lips meeting his, soft, warm and full of an unspoken promise.

She was the one to pull back that time, looking at him with a slight degree of awkwardness.

“What’s wrong?” he said, a hint of anxiety creeping back in, still unsure if the timing was totally wrong - if she was really herself enough for this level of intimacy.

“Nothing's wrong, relax El i’m fine. I just wanna get out...it’s not very comfortable leaning over the edge of the tub like this...pass me a towel?”

Elliot swallowed and stood up, moving over to the towel rail and pulling off a large soft white towel. Turning around he moved back over to her, not entirely sure how she wanted him to play this. Taking a breath, he held it open and Olivia stood, giving him a smile as he wrapped it around her and helped her step out of the bath.

“I’ll..um..give you some privacy,” he said, feeling utterly torn as to what to do next.

“You don't have to El,” Olivia said softly as her eyes met his. The love and trust he saw, telling him that this was his partner - not the woman whose life she had thought she was living. She knew him, she remembered him for who he really was and she knew that he would never hurt her.

Elliot took the few steps back towards her, responding wordlessly - taking her hands in his, as he looked into her eyes, seeing not the angry, confused woman he had tried to talk to at the hospital, but only his partner - the woman he loved. Her eyes moved fleetingly from his eyes to his mouth, the taste of him still on her lips.

“I’ve been so lost El, and i just don't want to waste any more time. You - us...it’s all that I can see any sense in right now. All I know for sure, is how right this feels.”

Elliot leaned in, capturing her lips with his, the touch soft, gentle and loving. She closed her eyes and melted into his embrace as his arms drew around her, pulling her close to him, one hand gliding down her back underneath her towel, the other sliding up her neck and tangling in her hair. 

They both knew there was no going back, no returning to the infuriating invisible barrier that always preventing them from being honest. Her hands moved to Elliot’s shirt, making quick work of the buttons and running her hands over his broad solid chest. He cupped her face in his hands, kissing her deeply and groaning as her hands worked his belt. 

Her towel loosened, but Elliot pulled her toward him, keeping it in place by wedging it in between their bodies. Only when she had stripped him down to his underwear did he ease back slightly, looking into her eyes, watching for any sign of hesitance on her part.

“You sure? - if it's too soon..that’s ok Liv, you don’t have to do this...”

She cut off his words with a smile as she kissed him, “I took a bullet to my head - I’m not wasting another damn minute. I’m sure El, trust me.”

Elliot closed his eyes momentarily in response, relief, hope and love flooded through him. Without another word, he took hold of her towel, slipping it down until it pooled on the floor at her feet. Pulling her flush against him, he held her tightly, her breasts against his bare chest, his arms around her, her head turned slightly, resting against his shoulder. He wanted to pick her up, carry her to the bed and make love to her all night long. He wanted to be slow and gentle and explore her, learning what she liked as he kissed every inch of her beautiful body that he had only imagined before. He also wanted to be relentless and passionate - bringing her to orgasm over and over - tasting her, making her climax in every way he could think of. He wanted to take her, possessively cover her with kisses, nips and flicks of his tongue against her bare breasts, her neck, her hips. Trailing his mouth down until his tongue tasted her intimately. He wanted to take her fast and hard, then slow and long lasting, while she gripped the sheets and cried out his name as he brought her to the brink repeatedly. He wanted to bend her over the dressing table, living out every interrogation room fantasy that had caused him to decline drinks after work and head for a cold shower instead. 

But first, he would hold her, love her, and never ever take for granted that she was living, breathing, she was remembering who she really was and she wanted to be with him. 

If her just living through her injury, and carrying on just as they always had, was all that she had wanted, then he would resolve to push aside his feelings and just be happy to have her in his life in any way she chose to be. But she was standing naked, in his arms, wanting him, loving him back - telling him that she didn't want to waste any more time. 

Through all the years of cases full of blood, pain, sorrow and sometimes their own regrets, through all of that, they remained. Steadfast in their dedication to each other, never wavering in their support and unspoken love. Her laugh made every hard day right again. 

His smile lifted her, melted her, reached her in ways she wasn't sure he could ever understand.

They could only move forward from this point, together.


	5. Chapter 5

Olivia lay on her side, her body flush against Elliot’s, one leg casually slipped between his and her arm draped across his chest. His arm was around her waist, holding her close to him, his cheek resting against the top of her head. He occasionally turned his head slightly, and placed a kiss on her cheek - he loved the way it brought a smile to her, lighting her up.

“It’s getting dark,” she said, “how long have we been in bed?”

Elliot laughed, and she smiled.

“I don’t know Liv, but do you know what I’m thinking right about now?”

“Is it whether we can get food delivered so we can just stay in bed all day?” she replied playfully.

Elliot grinned, “that’s not a bad idea, anything to stay here with you.”

“Mmmm,” she murmured as she stretched and turned on her side, until she was almost laying on top of him. “I think I had a dream about that once.”

“You did? You’ll have to tell me about that...I have a few dreams of my own you know,”

“Well, maybe we can compare notes,” Olivia said with a laugh.

Elliot’s phone didn't ring for another hour, and only then did either of them realise that it had grown much darker outside the motel. The fact that they had been in bed for that length of time, making love, holding each other, exploring each other - lifted Elliot’s heart, when just weeks ago she had been so close to death.

“I better get that - Cragen’s given us a lot of time to ‘talk’….” he said, with a smile as he climbed out of a bed to a groan of protest from Olivia, and picked up his phone, taking note of the time on the display and automatically moving to the bathroom, taking a glass with him.

“Stabler. Yeah, she’s fine, really….that’s her call, not mine...give her some more time and she’ll decide what she wants to do…” he paused as he returned from the bathroom and handed her the glass now filled with water. 

She took it and sighed, turning to the nightstand and picking up the bottle of pills that Elliot and placed there. He watched until she unscrewed the cap and tipped two out into her hand. 

“Christ Cap,” he said, as he sat down at the end of the bed. “you wanna speak to her like you want proof of life or something - I’m not holding her hostage here!”

Olivia watched as he remained silent, her hand slipping down the back of the bed as she quickly opened her hand and let the pills drop down before crawling over to him on the edge of the bed. She rested her hands on his shoulders and NOT surprised to find his tension instantly building, she began kneading his muscles.

He relaxed as Olivia placed a kiss on his shoulder before slipping the phone out of his grasp and shifting to his side, snuggling up close to him as his arm pulled her half onto his lap.

“Captain, i’m fine, really. I am… processing... everything Elliot’s told me, but I’m ok, I know he’s telling me the truth. No one abducted me, I’m here because I want to be, but I also want Elliot here with me right now…. so I take it he’s on vacation?” she stated with an air of confidence.

“Vacation,” Cragen replied, finding her boldness something of a relief. “Ok Olivia, but I’m not promising IAB will listen to me….if you feel unwell _please_ go to a hospital. You need to be having ongoing medical care…you've been very sick...” he paused with a frustrated sigh. “Right now, as long as you don’t start saying you want to marry Ed Tucker then no one is going to think you've totally lost your mind, so get back here as soon as you can and we can straighten this mess out.” Cragen said, the hint of humour in his voice making her laugh a little.

“About that...” Olivia squeezed her eyes shut as she tried to force the words out. “How many people know about..everything. What I mean is...who knows about Tucker?”

“Liv, there’s nothing to know about Tucker. Elliot shared what he learned from your files...I didn't support him getting hold of them, but I can’t honestly say I would have stopped him. We were running out of options. The only people who know about that outside of the hospital are people you trust,” he said.

“Thank God, if that got back to him I’d never live it down.” Olivia said. “I’ll call once I’ve worked a few things out and know for sure when i’m coming back.”

“OK Liv,” he sighed. “Please take it easy.”

“I will,” she said as she handed the phone back to Elliot.

Closing the phone, Elliot dropped it to the floor, twisting around to slip his arms around her and scoop her on to his lap. She instinctively shifted, straddling him, her arms slipping around his neck as she leaned in and kissed him.

“Thanks for covering for me with the whole abducting you thing,” Elliot said.

“Anytime El,” she said, as his hand slipped up her bare back, his other hand gliding under her thigh.

“Mmm,” she moaned, into his mouth as he kissed her. “Can't we just stay in this motel room for a few more days? I think i’ll just hold you hostage here for a while.”

“God I wish we could stay here like this for a month,” he said, groaning as her tongue slipped in to meet his, “and believe me baby I need no persuasion.”

Turning around, he ran a hand down her arm, his other arm on her back as he gently eased her down onto the bed. Laying back, her head rest against the soft mattress, she smiled as her eyes drifted closed. Elliot moved to her side, propping himself up on his forearm as he looked at her.

“Liv,”he whispered. “Are you tired?

“Mmmm yeah, sorry El,” she said, her eyes opening as she looked at him sleepily. “I don't know how I got so tired so fast.”

Elliot stroked her hair as he watched her falling quickly asleep, “it’s ok Liv, we probably should be making sure you rest more - we have been.. overdoing it,.” Leaning down, he placed a kiss on her cheek. 

“Get some rest,” he said as he stroked her hair. “We have all the time in the world.”

Four hours had passed. Olivia laid still on the bed - her head turned to the side as she watched Elliot sleeping. She eased herself up and reached out a hand, stopping short of touching his arm and attempting to wake him. 

She had never felt so tired, or had such a bad headache before - and she inwardly cursed herself for not taking the medication. She knew she was getting rapidly worse - and turning from Elliot, she reached across to the nightstand and grabbed a bottle, unscrewing the cap and swallowing one down with the water that Elliot had left there for her. She knew it had been too long without any medication - and as a violent tremor coursed through her, she began to realise she had made a big error of judgement.

She closed her eyes fast as a sudden band of pressure formed around her head, immediately tightening at an alarming rate. Turning her head toward Elliot, she tried to open her eyes but her mind filled with images of her son.

“Noah,” she whispered, her voice unsteady. “Maybe…Elliot…” 

She abruptly silenced as she spoke his name, torn between the reality she was happily living in with Elliot, and the one where he had walked out of her life. Standing she made her way to the bathroom, determined to find some painkillers and dull the ever increasing throb in her head. She needed to think clearly, to focus and keep hold of reality….but she was failing, fast.

Elliot woke to a darkened room, unsure of what had roused him. He stretched and yawned before sitting up, realising from the moonlight now lighting the room, that he had been asleep for some time. Suddenly aware that something didn't feel right he turned his head, his eyes meeting the crumpled bedsheets where Olivia had been laying beside him. Feeling a flash of concern, he stood up pulling on his briefs and pants as he glanced outside the window. Seeing his car exactly where he expected, he let out a breath then turned away from the window and noticed a faint glow from the bathroom. Wanting to give her privacy, but equally feeling uneasy, he moved towards the door and hesitated before knocking.

“Liv, you ok baby?”

Not hearing any kind of response, he knocked again before trying the handle. Relieved to find it unlocked, he swung it open.

His eyes fell straight to Olivia sitting on the floor, her back resting against the bathtub. Her eyes were firmly fixed on Elliot's cell phone which was held with a tight grip in both hands. 

She didn't make a move to look up.

“Hey,” Elliot said softly as he stepped closer and crouched down in front of her. “Who are you calling? Its 2am.”

Olivia closed her eyes and spoke, her voice a hushed whisper, her eyes flitting briefly to his and then back to the phone, “I was calling…. Lucy.”

Elliot frowned, “whose Lucy?”

“She…..she's my nanny.”

Elliot froze, dread coursing through him as she met his eyes. 

“Liv….baby, you don’t have a nanny…” he began, but stopped at the clouded look in her eyes. 

She blinked and shook her head, trying to clear the sudden jumble of thoughts cascading through her mind and immediately winced at the sharp pain that the shake of her head seemed to trigger. 

Elliot frowned and stretched out his arm, offering her his hand as she shifted to stand, but she instead moved back, bracing her hand against the bathtub and easing herself up slowly, his cell phone still gripped tightly in her other hand. He stepped back slightly, giving her space while feeling utterly torn as to how to approach her on it. He watched her cautiously as she straightened up and placed his cell phone in the back pocket of her jeans. 

It was only then that he realised that she had dressed, and his eye fell on her jacket and bag close to her by the tub.

“Liv,” he said, his heart dropping, “If you've changed your mind and you wanna go back to the city, that’s ok. We can do that in the morning, I promise you. I just don't want you taking off in the middle of the night...especially not….” he paused, suddenly aware of a shift in her demeanour as her gaze hardened as she watched him.

“Especially not…” she began. “Carry on Elliot, don’t just start putting something out there and stop on my account. You have something to say go head then and say it.”

Elliot closed his eyes and tried to remain calm, focusing on the moment and what could be happening, “Olivia, can you just...humor me here, and tell me where we are right now?”

“Where we are? Elliot...we...we’re in a motel...and we’re going to…” her voice faltered, an edge of vulnerability that Elliot was not used to hearing, suddenly creeping in.

He watched as her eyes filled suddenly with fear, and he felt a horrible sense of helplessness as she spoke. 

“What’s happening El? I don’t...I don’t feel ok...I feel...something’s not right,” she paused, her eyes filling with tears as she reached out to him, battling against a sudden tremor, which this time left her arm shaking.

“Liv, come back to bed and lay down, you don’t look too good, i’m gonna call the doctor,” he said, his voice laced with a deep concern.

Olivia closed her eyes, taking a slow deep breath, “It’s like…” she paused, her hand moving to the side of her head as she winced again. "Like a storm inside my head. It feels...like somethings….somethings…”

Elliot’s eyes widened as she suddenly dropped her hand from her head and stopped talking, her eyes locking intently with his before she spoke again, her voice this time a haunted whisper.

“I love you Elliot.”

Elliot didn’t have time to respond as she fell to her knees, immediately moving forward, placing her hands on the floor. 

He reached for her, intending to place his hands on her shoulders and steady her, but he merely grazed her sweater with his fingertips as she crashed to the ground with violent tremors.

“Olivia, Liv…” he repeated her name over and over as he fought against the fear he felt gripping him, and tried to remain calm and focused - reminding himself of his training. His instinct to hold her was almost overpowering, but he quickly gripped her, turning her onto to her side as he quickly assessed the floor, checking that there was nothing he could move out of the way in the cramped bathroom, to give her more space.

He felt helpless, knowing that the help he could give her was limited, but he looked over his shoulder, taking in the time on the clock on the bedroom wall. 

02:11.

He stood up, leaving her momentarily as he dashed into the bedroom, grabbing his cell phone off of the bedside table and a pillow from the bed, before returning to her side. He put the pillow on the ground and placed his hand on her arm, noting with alarm that she wasn’t settling. 

“Shit, Liv, this is going on too long,” he said, as he glanced back at the clock again and punched in 911.

It took 16 minutes before Elliot finally heard the distant siren, and saw the faint glimpse of the ambulance lights in the distance. In that 16 minutes he had repeatedly paced between Olivia and the open motel room door as he watched for any sign of help arriving. Returning to her, he knelt down next to her side and gently smoothed her hair back from her face. He had repositioned her when the seizure finally slowed, and carefully slipped a pillow under her head, aware of the hardness of the tiled bathroom floor.

“Liv,” he said softly as he heard the crackle of radios and the footsteps of the approaching paramedics, “hang in there for me baby, help’s here, you’re gonna be ok.” 

Elliot was unaware how much time had passed since the doctor examined her, cautiously at first - before everything suddenly changed. He asked questions, he had to stop himself from grabbing hold of one of the doctors and demanding to know what was wrong - there was no time and the doctors weren’t wasting a single second on explaining anything to him.

His mind was foggy, a contradiction to the adrenaline pumping through his veins, screaming at him to help her. Help her. Help her.

His eyes remained fixed firmly on her, nothing else registered as they moved her onto a gurney and hurriedly got her into the waiting ambulance.

The slam of the door and thump of the paramedics fist on the wall, prompting the driver to speed off was his next memory. He sat back but his out stretched arm wouldn't waver. His hand in continuous contact with her - when they prised his hand from hers to move him out of the way he just blindly reached until he came into contact with the thick material of her jean covered thigh. He wouldn't let her go. Wouldn't let her be alone in an ambulance surrounded by strangers. She had to know he was here, and she had to know who he was, because she knew...she knew he would never leave her in her darkest most frightening moments, not for once damn second.


	6. Chapter 6

How much time had gone past he could not say - staff came and went updating their colleagues, pouring tea from the vending machine. The world went on around him, but he remained motionless.

He had opted for the chair he saw in the corridor - it was much closer to Olivia’s room than the waiting room. He sat with his head in his hands, as he tried to block out the sounds of hospital. Try as he might, closing his eyes only seemed to amplify it all further - hurried footsteps, beeping, trolleys being wheeled past and the incessant ringing of the telephone at the nurses station.

“Elliot.” 

He sat up to see Munch eyeing him with caution, “are you listening?”

Elliot blinked and focused, running his hand across his face as he tried to snap out of the weariness he suddenly felt.

“Yeah, yeah John I’m listening. What did you say?”

“Human or inanimate?,” he sighed, handing him a coffee before taking a seat on the bench beside him.

Elliot stared at him before he finally spoke, “John..what?”

Munch gestured toward Elliot's hand, and only then did a dull throb come into his senses. He followed Munch’s gaze to see the stitched area on his hand, a little blood seeping through the recently patched up wound.

“Yeah...I barely remember, but I hit something, a wall or a door - can't remember - they got two fucking security guards to stop me going in there with her, I just had enough.”

They remained silent as Munch watched the hive of activity taking place through the corridor. 

“She was doing better Munch, the doctor said she was. Why did this happen? Is it….” he paused, cursing under his breath, “shit John, she should've been resting and we’ve just been….” he paused, glancing briefly at Munch before staring straight ahead with a sigh, “I should have been helping her rest, not doing the opposite.”

Munch frowned as he processed his words, “the opposite? What’ve you two been doing, running marathons……” he paused and smiled as realisation dawned. “Ah….I see. Well I’m glad you two eventually addressed that...all that sexual tension building up for THAT long..yeah resting wasn't on the cards...”

Elliot turned to him, instantly on edge and about to tell him to shut up, when he saw the smile Munch gave him and he relaxed.

“I’m happy for you both, I mean that Elliot,” Munch said with sincerity.

Elliot took a deep breath and turned his head to look at Munch, “How do you stay so calm? I can barely hold myself together right now John. If she dies….if she wakes up and she doesn't know who I am - if she never recovers from this….I just….” he looked away with a shake of his head.

“Elliot, when I was in Baltimore, there was an op. I was going in with my partner - Stan, and two others - Kay and Beau. We were ambushed. They all got hit. This volley of bullets - I didn't have a scratch on me and all three of them were just laying there around me, not moving, bloody….I was in shock. It’s never left me, something like that never does.”

“They all died?” Elliot asked.

“No. They all _made_ it - there was some major surgery and long recoveries, but somehow - they got through. Once we were all back, I was out with Kay - I saw someone on a rooftop,” he sighed. “I panicked, bundled her into the car, raced off….only danger she was in was my driving. I probably took longer to deal with it all - but I did deal with it...in my own way…” he tapered off and shook his head. “The point i’m making here is that all three of them were in critical condition, they were laying on the ground, surrounding me, and I was sure they were all dead - yet they made full recoveries. If those three people that I cared about - could not only survive that, but all be back working again, then Olivia’s gonna pull through too. I’ve seen my friends close to death, and make it - Liv was in far better shape when I spoke to her on the phone. Anyway - she has to pull through otherwise she can never defend her reputation against the rumours that she dreamt up being loved up with Ed Tucker.”

Elliot glanced at him and gave a sight smile, “yeah, she’s gonna wanna set the record straight on that one. They’ve told me over and over that she’s not gonna pull through - then I had her back John. She was ok, she knew who I was, and she..she loved me.”

Munch sighed and leaned back in his chair alongside Elliot. “She’s always loved you and you’ve always loved her. You’ve both _always_ known that. That other Olivia - the one who decided you walked out of her life - that’s some kind of twisted subconscious fear she has of never acting on her feelings, never telling you how she feels and breaking this ridiculous ice that’s been going on for too long. This is a wake up call for you both. When she wakes up, if she’s back to Olivia version 2, just hang in there. Talk to her, tell her how you feel. She’s not a princess you’ll wake with a kiss, but you _will_ wake her with the reality of who you are and how you feel about her.”

“Huang better watch out - when did you study psychology Munch?” Elliot said.

Munch smiled but it faded fast as he looked up and something caught his attention. Elliot followed his gaze to see an approaching doctor. He stood up immediately and moved quickly, meeting him halfway down the corridor. The doctor gestured to a doorway and entered, Elliot took a deep breath before following him inside and closing the door.

Munch looked away from the door and eased back into his chair, with a shake of his head, doing his best to focus on the soda machine at opposite and not dwell on the memories he had unwittingly caused to resurface of his friends in Baltimore and how close they had come to death.

The doctor didn't waste any time and began updating Elliot immediately. “I’ve got an update from the surgeon and also spoken with her doctors to get the whole picture. It seems Olivia has endured a great deal of trauma in the past few weeks - the bullet piercing her skull, operations and seizures and her progress was not as expected. Her bloods show that she has had a sudden reduction in medication which was essential to her recovery.”

“It was messing her up - but I got a doctor to see her and he examined her - he gave me a schedule to reduce the stuff that was making her worse - we had all the essential meds. I know how it must seem - that I took her out of that hospital - but she _was_ getting better.”

“Oh she was - the update from the most recent doctor who saw her confirms that, but she has definitely not been taking the medication he left you a schedule for and that has ultimately caused her seizure.”

“I gave her everything she needed - I didn't miss anything…” Elliot began, but stopped as he noticed the doctor sigh.

“Did you actually see her take them?” the doctor asked.

Elliot slumped back in his chair in dismay, “why would she do that? She's put herself in danger?”

“Well,” the doctor began, “maybe she was scared of going back into a fantasy world. But ultimately she has saved herself by taking that risk.”

“What do you mean? She's been in surgery for hours - she was totally unresponsive in the motel.” Elliot said.

“That’s where it gets interesting - the fantasy world she has been locked in...it’s nothing to do with her medication or the shooting.”

“Than what is it?” Elliot asked, confused.

“She had a tumor - these types of tumors can stay undetected for years before they show any signs. She would never have had a full brain scan had she not ceased her medication and had such a severe seizure - she was not breathing when she was brought into the emergency room,” he paused, taking in the shock and confusion on Elliot’s face.

“We have removed all of the tumor but some cells could remain so she will need radiotherapy to ensure we have got it all. Shes been very lucky, but shes had major surgery and she will need time.”

“Whatever she needs, I’m here for her. I love her,” Elliot said.

Elliot stood up, and took a deep breath, “is she awake? Can I see her now? I need to be with her.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Six hours later.**

Olivia fluttered her eyes open, her head moving instinctively but slowly towards the direction of the sound. It was comforting.  She couldn't make out what it was at first, only that she felt instantly calmed by the low, almost constant sound coming from her right. 

Talking. She was sure now, after listening for a while, that the sound was someone talking. She tried to open her eyes, but they felt heavily weighted and it proved impossible.

“So, I figure we can keep stalling them, then we can get you treated and out of here before anyone hauls me in and puts you back into some hospital," 

"El?" she said quietly, her eyes flickering open, closing repeatedly at the bright light in the room. 

He quickly moved to the light switch, turning it off and finding a lamp beside her bed. He angled it carefully away from her and switched it on, the room then much more dimly lit. 

"El, how bad is it? Do I….do I have brain damage?”

Elliot crossed the short distance toward her in a second, his hands finding her shoulders as he squeezed lightly, his face locking to hers with a warmth and concern that took over so suddenly, it surprised her. 

“ _ No _ baby, you're ok, but they did some major Surgery. It’s just gonna take some time, but we're in this together. I’m not going anywhere and it's _so_ good to see you.”

Olivia closed her eyes as she felt a well of tears build up at his words, “I know you won't go anywhere El - but who the hell _was_ I?”

His hand slid down her back and his other moved to settle at the back of her back, pulling her slightly closer but still ensuring he had eye contact. 

“When you were in a coma - when they brought you out if it...you didn't know who I was - you were so confused. Then you just...you went into a seizure. Your eyes were so blank Liv, it scared the hell outta me. I thought you weren't gonna make it.”

Pulling her all the way towards him, he kissed her head, his arms encircling her as he held her. 

“You’ll get through the recovery Liv, and you’re you - you're not gonna lose yourself again.”

Olivia pulled back, looking up at him.

“I wanna go home El,” she whispered.

Elliot stroked her hair, his other hand settling on her back, hope growing at her words. 

“I know I wanted to go back to the hospital, but It’s the last place I wanna be now. I know that's not my life.”

“Does it still feel real?” he asked, concerned for her answer. 

“No. I'm...confused El, the things I thought happened...didn't. I remember who I am,” she paused, her hand tentatively reaching up, touching his cheek lightly. “I remember who  _ you _ are.”

Elliot smiled as she dropped her hand to her side, and unable to fight his instinctive need to touch her, he put a hand on her shoulder, slowly running it down her arm until he reached her hand. His touch grounded her and he took her hand in his, she couldn't help but smile, however briefly. 

It felt right. In that moment, with Elliot - and she hadn't felt that way for along time.

“With your original meds - we can get advice about your treatment, find you another hospital. I'm glad you don't wanna go back - you aren't gonna get better in that place, you need to be out here, with real people - people who care about you.”  


* * *

They spent the day browsing the internet on Elliot’s phone, looking through newspapers together, occasionally glancing at the TV which was on in the background.

She had no doubt now that only weeks had passed, not years. That the people she was so sure were real, were creations of her mind. She felt scared by the realisation - the shock that her mind was capable of creating a fantasy world so detailed. 

“El,” she said.

Elliot frowned and edged closer to her, their thighs barely touching and his hand lightly skimming past hers.

“What is it baby?”

Elliot stopped talking as he noticed her break into a warm grin before ducking her head, her cheeks colouring with her unguarded reaction to his words.

“I...like it when you say that El,” she said, as she continued looking at the newspaper. This time smiling as she returned her attention to the printed words. “I was just going to say this menu looks good...maybe they'll deliver to us.”

“I dont think we’ll get away with that but I’ll go get take out and smuggle it in,” he said. 

Elliot returned his attention to his own paper and smiled, stealing a brief glance at her. The natural, spontaneity of the moment, shining from her.

“Thanks partner,” she said.

He couldn't remember the last time he had seen her look so happy.

The next day Olivia woke unafraid, the window open and a gentle breeze filtering in behind the blind. She watched Elliot as he sat holding two cups of coffee and she smiled. 

“Hey,” she said.

“Good morning - smuggled in some coffee,” he said.

“Thanks - El," she paused, then decided to get straight to the thoughts that had plagued her every time she woke in the night, before drifting back to sleep in the warmth of her partners arms, grateful to the nurse who had turned a blind eye to Elliot. “Do they have any orders to legally hold me? Huang said you couldn't take me out of the hospital - does that mean if I went back to the city they would take me in?”

Elliot sat down next to her on the bed, his hand taking hers, squeezing reassuringly. “They certified you, but it's nothing we can't work out - once they see you’re ok, then they’ll have no grounds to hold you there. They took another order to override your wishes to have me as your next of kin and the person to make decisions on your behalf - we need to get some legal advice - make sure they don't come put with any crap about taking you back in to assess you.”

Olivia edged closer and leaned her head on his shoulder, her hair brushing lightly against his neck. Elliot slipped his arm around her, holding her close to him, relishing the feel of her and breathing her in.

“I take it Munch has kept quiet about this?” she asked.

“Yeah, he said he’ll give me a heads up if anyone finds out and makes their way up here to see you.”

“Thank him for me El.”

“You can thank him yourself soon enough - once you’re well enough to get out of here,” he said.

“Let's call Cragen. Try to clear this mess up,” she said. “Maybe...it would help to go the squad room..and my apartment soon.”

Elliot felt hope rising within him at her words - she was coherent, thinking rationally and clearly, she was doing ok.

“Those are great ideas Liv, soon as we get the ok from the doctors we can do that - you could be out of here in a few days - but you have to go easy.”

“I feel like I haven't seen Munch in a long time…” Olivia began uneasily.

Elliot instantly felt dread take hold of him at her words, shaking it off, he tried to remind himself that it was still very early and they had time, so much time now to help her recover. 

“Liv, the last time you saw him was a week ago.”

“I know, really El I do, don't worry - it's just that that other reality was so intense, so clear. It's like waking from an intense nightmare where everything feels like it happened to you...It...almost feels like it was months ago El, like I hadn't seen him since he retired,” she said hesitantly. 

“But he  _ didn't _ Liv,” Elliot said, taking her hands in his and looking into her eyes. “He hasn't retired - you'll be putting up with him for years yet.”

Olivia looked down at her lap, focusing before meeting his eyes once more, “no, he didn't retire, he didn't.” she paused taking a deep breath and exhaling slowly and evenly. “Cragen is still captain, you're my partner...it's..2011…”

Elliot smiled and leaned forward, his heart racing as he touched his lips lightly against her cheek. “We’re gonna get through this Liv. I promise you.”

Olivia sighed, looking away before glancing cautiously at Elliot. 

“El…. _ I miss Noah, _ ” she said quietly, her breath suddenly quickening at her admission, as she fought back a wave of emotion threatening to engulf her. 

“Liv…” he said as he pulled her into his arms placing a kiss on her head. “I'm so sorry.”

He held her until her breathing slowed and he realised she was falling back to sleep in his arms. 

Settling back down onto the bed, he couldn’t leave her. The need to hold her too intense. They lay together, his arms wrapped around her, the feel of her body against his, the steady rise and fall of her chest. Laying with her on the plain blue sheets of the hospital bed - but this time with no machines beeping, no urgency, just a hope for the future and conviction in his heart that he would do anything for her.

He had never felt more at peace. 


	8. Chapter 8

**2 weeks later.**

It had been relatively easy to sort the mess out that Elliot’s actions at the hospital had caused. Cragen was hugely relieved that he was bringing her into the squad room and not taking off without a thought to her ongoing treatment. He had sounded doubtful that Olivia had made the progress that Elliot claimed she had however, and Elliot was concerned what reception awaited him.

It was late afternoon when they arrived at the squad room, and Elliot noticed her hesitancy every step of the way as they left his car and got closer and closer. 

“You ok?” he asked, not expecting an honest response to that question. 

“No," said Olivia, taking a deep breath. "I want to be though.” She turned to meet his eyes, so full of concern and love for her, “I want to be ok.” 

Elliot leaned closer and put his arm around her shoulders, pulling her closer and placing a kiss on her cheek. “You will be Liv.”

He wanted nothing more than to take her hand as they walked into the squad room, but he knew she would hardly have appreciated such an outward display of affection in front of everyone they worked with. Containing the urge, he simply stepped closer to her, walking through the doors in unison with her, the backs of their hands brushing almost against each other in a way that felt so familiar and so reassuring to them both. 

He didn't even need to turn to look at her to realise that a shift had happened. So many years of being so in tune, so perfectly in step with each other, and her tension struck him immediately. She had frozen as soon as she was through the door, her eyes growing wide as she looked around the room. “Its just the same as it was. Nothing’s changed.” she whispered, glancing around awkwardly ensuring nobody overheard her. 

He resisted the urge to reach out and squeeze her hand - an instinctive urge to offer her a degree of protectiveness that he knew she would not want. He couldn't help it - he loved her and he wanted nothing more after everything they had been through, to simply wrap his arms around her at all times. If he tried she'd slap him. He was sure of that. He almost smiled at the thought - Olivia Benson did not need anyone to hold her hand.

Her eyes fell on their desks, and the shock of the familiar squad room was immediately broken. She looked at Elliot momentarily before he walked over, rounding his desk and pulled out her chair. She hesitated, feeling lightheaded - the memories that her mind had conjured up of the past five years, flooding through her mind.

Noting her hesitancy, Elliot walked back around to his side, pulling out his chair and taking his seat opposite hers. Olivia walked over and sat down, meeting his eyes and unable to prevent the small smile that she gave in response to his. His warmth and familiarity, a blanket around her.

“I missed you,” she said quietly. “Looking across my desk and you not being there every day, it was like....”

Elliot remained silent, allowing her time to form her thoughts and continue, but when she did not, he realised that she was hesitant to. Hesitance - a feeling he wanted to eradicate when it came rto their relationship. They had spent so long in the dark - always so close but never touching, an intimacy that felt closer than his marriage ever had. 

“What was it like Liv? Because these past five weeks - especially once they stopped me visiting, it’s been hell.”

Olivia looked over his shoulder, noting Cragen entering the room and pausing, giving her space.

“Like losing a part of myself,” she whispered.

Her honesty struck Elliot, and he wanted more than ever to reach out his hand and take hers, telling her he loved her and would always be a part of her life. Aware though, that her gaze had drifted behind him, he contained his feelings once again. It felt such a familiar dance - the squad room, a closeness like nothing he had ever experienced, yet still not touching, still not stepping over the thin barrier between them.

Cragen walked over, eyeing Olivia somewhat cautiously as he assessed the situation. “You two want to step into my office,” he said, with no hint of a question in his tone.

The door closed behind them and they both took a seat when Cragen gestured to the chairs in front of his desk. Olivia remained silent until he had also sat down giving a deep sigh as he observed them both,

“I’m not crazy,” Olivia simply said.

"See, I told you she was fine,” Elliot said with a smile. 

“I think ‘fine’ isn't something that happens instantly in a situation like this Elliot. Olivia, I think it's a good idea if you speak to Huang.”

“A good idea, or an order?” Olivia said.

“Both Olivia, we need to get you well, you’re recovering from a serious injury as well as a brain tumor, this is not a broken leg, or time off after an illness, this is very serious and I would not be doing my job, my duty of care to my detectives if I didn't take every measure to look out for you.”

“I know,” she said. “really, I do. I’m making great progress and...I know that things have been really messed up in my mind, but I’m gonna be totally fine captain.”

“You took a bullet to your head Olivia, you’re just about the luckiest cop I’ve ever known to be walking around. Don't expect to be totally fine - we’re all just grateful that you're alive,” Cragen said seriously. “Take your time, meet with Huang, allow yourself time to heal - just take this a day at a time.” 

Turning his attention to Elliot, he sighed, “Elliot, where do I even begin….”

Olivia only had time to chat briefly with Munch and Fin before they were called out on a case and she was finding herself somewhat ushered to a visitor's room to meet with Huang. It felt odd to be sitting there, a room usually reserved for victims and relatives, but it was comfortable - she doubted there was anywhere more suitable in the precinct but being in there in any other role than as a detective felt almost unsettling for her.

“How are you Olivia?” Huang asked, and Olivia gave a slight laugh.

“Not crazy, so there's that,” she said.

Huang smiled, “nobody thinks you're crazy, we only think you have some healing to do. I want to address how we need to handle your medication, but first, why don't we talk about where you’ve been. Tell me about this alternate life that you have been playing out in the hospital.”

Olivia looked at him and took a deep breath, “I guess, I should begin with the day I got shot - it's from there that everything went wrong.”

Outside the room, Elliot was relieved to find that Munch and Fin had returned and quickly ushered them to an interrogation where he hoped they were less likely to be overheard.

“She can't go back on that stuff they had her on John, if she loses herself again...I mean, what if she doesn't come back the next time?”

“I made some calls, and I have representation for her,” Munch said. “If she can show that she's living in the real world and not the twisted dating Tucker world, where she removed us all so she could be unhappy alone, then she won't have any problem. All they need to do is talk to her to assess, and see that she genuinely knows who she is.”

“Thanks Munch, I just wanna take her home tonight,” Elliot said.

Munch and Fin exchanged a knowing glance, and only then did Elliot realise what he had said. 

“You might wanna keep that to yourself Stabler,” Fin said.

“It’s not like she can really be alone, I'm her partner, I'm helping her deal with this,” Elliot said, only managing to sound partially convincing. 

“Don't worry, the way you've been handling all this - I don't think anyone doubts that you're in love with her. You've been, let's say, a little on edge,” Munch said.

Fin laughed, “on edge, yeah, that's not what I’d call him.”  
  
  


“Where do you think Lewis came from?” Huang asked.

“I thought you were supposed to tell _me_ that? Olivia replied. 

Huang smiled. “So far he seems to be at a turning point in the timeline - a marked change happened around that time that you said made you feel different?”

Olivia exhaled and settled back into the chair opposite Huang. “Yeah, I guess I just...thought it was that I wasn't out in the field as much - not connecting with victims...I just didn't feel connected anymore. I think maybe my mind ran out of ideas and got tired of it. But I didn't know a way back out.”

“But then Noah came along.”

Olivia smiled warmly, “yeah. Noah. Everything was ok again then. But I still felt somewhat disconnected. Maybe on some level I knew that it wasn't real.”

“after the story played out the way it did, you needed an anchor to keep you there and Noah served that purpose. How do you feel about that concept?” Huang asked. 

“About Noah? He's not a concept...he’s"

“He's what Olivia?” Huang asked.

“He’ll always be my child, I love him and he’s the only thing that feels real to me in all this madness and I...I miss him. I know that probably makes me sound unstable, that I'm grieving the loss of a fictional child...but I am.”

“Have you mentioned this to anyone else?”

“Yeah, to Elliot.”

“That's good, it's a positive step to be open about it. What did Elliot say?”

“He just says he’s sorry, ….and he holds me,” she said.

“Your relationship with Elliot has become more intimate?” Huang asked.

“Yeah...I think it was always headed here eventually...just took something like this to get us both there.”

“A serious trauma can be a time for major reflection. You might find yourself reevaluating a lot of things in your life. Olivia, We’re running out of time and I want to help you come to a treatment plan you can agree on Are you aware that you're trembling constantly?”

Olivia looked down, feeling awkward at his observation. “I know….it won't stop.”

“It's ok, it’s most likely a side effect of the injury, intensified by the reduction in levels of medication. We need to keep an eye on that though. I'm going to submit my report and talk to the hospital - I know you don't want to go in there but cooperating with your doctor's will mean we can get any court orders lifted sooner.”

“I'm not going back in there. Won't your report be enough?” Olivia said, tensing immediately. 

“Olivia you can't lift a section order overnight, but you can be assessed and treated without being in a hospital. What I am aiming to achieve is to have you home, but you will need to be seen daily by the crisis and recovery unit until they lift the order. This is entirely.possible, it happens more than you’d think to people who are no risk of harm, because in patient units are often at capacity.”

“So I can go home?” she asked cautiously. 

Huang eyed her with slight concern, “My report will carry significant weight, but I’m associated with SVU, so the court will expect an independent assessment. We can arrange for this to be outside of a hospital so you won't have the concern that they would detain you. Would you be happy for a doctor to talk to you here in a day or two?”

“Ok, I could do that," Olivia said, and then paused, letting out a sigh. “I just want my life back."

Olivia closed the door behind her and smiled as her eyes immediately met Elliot’s. He stood, stepping towards her.

“Ready to go home?”

“Never been readier,” she said as they both turned and made their way out of the building. 

They walked along the familiar streets side by side, their instinctive rhythm comforting. 

“So you're cancelling the wedding then?” Elliot said casually. Olivia turned to look at him, noting the hint of playfulness in his voice.

“Wedding? What wedding?” she asked.

“The one IAB are gonna throw you when you get hitched to Tucker,” he said, laughing.

Olivia looked at him, feigning shock, a mortified tone to her voice. “How many people know about that? Oh God I’ll never live that down.”

Elliot laughed, “it’s ok, just me, Huang and Cragen...and Munch and Fin. Your secret yearning for an IAB marriage is safe with your friends. I’m sure no-one will bring it up again,” he paused, laughing. “Well...except Munch.”

Olivia playfully punched him in the arm, and Elliot began rubbing his arm in an exaggerated way. “You didn't think i’d let it go without joking about that did you?” he said, laughing.

Their moods were light and happy - a marked change for both of them, as they made their way to Olivia’s apartment. Elliot relayed some lighter stories about Munch and Fin and Olivia loved how much it all seemed so real - her imagined life seeming far away. Finally at Olivia’s door she paused, remembering that she didn't have her keys. Elliot slipped his hand in his pocket and pulled his keys out, slipping her spare key off his key ring and handing it to her. 

She took it with a slight smile, thanks El, I have another spare inside, so….we can have one each…” she paused feeling suddenly awkward. “Until I figure out what happened to my keys.”

Elliot smiled and stepped forward, immediately their arms closed around each other and in seconds their lips pressed softly together. Olivia couldn't help the small moan that escaped her as his tongue slipped into his mouth. His reaction filled with want, need and desire as he angled his fingers in her hair and deepened their kiss. 

Elliot broke away first, his hand cupping her chin and lifting her face to meet his. “You ok?”

“I'm fine El, really,” she smiled, “but I'm pretty sure that never happened when we walked home together before. I really hope I didn't forget it if you've ever kissed me at my door like that before.”

“You're right, we haven't done that before.. Do you..want that to happen again.. I mean...these past weeks, you've been through a lot and I know we moved fast at the hotel....if you don't, if it's too soon, it's ok, I..”

His words were cut off abruptly as she slipped her arms around his neck, pulling him down close to her and picking up right where he had left off. He let out his own moan that time, surprise swiftly changing to desire as passion won over.

The evening turned to night, two people, always so much a part of each other, laying close, connected, their bodies always touching in one way or another as they lay together in Olivia's bed. Once the boundary was crossed they simply let go; rules, restrictions, reputation - it all faded away until it became only them. Two people, very much in love, naked, wrapped in each other and both making a wordless promise to never let go again.

They woke the next morning, wrapped in each other arms to the sound of Elliot's phone ringing. He groaned, reaching over to grab it from he nightstand with deep sigh, placing a kiss on Oliva's head. "Stabler," he said, answering the phone with a grin that he didn't care would be obvious. 

Olivia Benson was alive, rousing sleepily in his arms and he couldn't think of a more perfect moment in his life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heyy, so half of this chapter was written 3 years ago, and I finished it this week! My notifications from all that time ago show another story that was left unfinished and has people still interested so once I finish this, I will work of Disarm next. I left an abusive marriage, went to a women's refuge and in my journey as a survivor, writing got lost along the way. Olivia gave me strength and helped me see that I deserved to live without fear. I'm by no means skipping along rainbows, but I am not living in fear in my own home anymore and being destroyed by gaslighting. Olivia Benson helped open my eyes and start me on a path to escaping abuse <3

**Author's Note:**

> Original note:  
> What’s Elliot doing?? If you’re still confused, don’t worry, the next chapter will piece it together. I hold my hands up to this story being slightly quirky, but stay with me, it’s going somewhere.


End file.
